I've been thinking

Yes, actually I have been thinking. I've come through a couple of frustrating and angry days, with the burden of the PhD and all its complex 'nonsense' weighing heavily on my shoulders. But I've been thinking.

When one thinks of a romantic relationship a common position to take is the acknowledgement that your partner can't possibly provide, give you everything you need. They often give you a lot of the 'things' you need, but not everything. For those 'other' things you go elsewhere, friends, family, zumba, yoga. Why then was I expecting to get everything I needed to complete this PhD from my supervision team? Having this expectation has simply set up the whole ecosystem for failure and unfortunately disappointment on my side. That's my thought - my big and profound thought. I'm hoping this insight will help me move my whole PhD experience into a more healthy, productive and, may I say, happy space. We'll see!

breaking the silence

I've heard this phrase before - usually preceding other words like rape, child abuse, domestic violence, HIV - it's associated with calls for justice, bravery, doing the right thing, not being complicit to injustice and an acknowledgement that the victim should not be ashamed of the wrong doing done to her/him.

I want to break the silence, really break the silence on my consistently difficult and at times down right negative and soul destroying learning experiences associated with my PhD. It's a very risky thing to do I know, I'm really nervous and I worry about the consequences but this shame I carry is not mine.

first over the finish line

What a freaking day, what a freaking week. But before I say much about my own troubles...The first of the 2008 1+3 OU cohort crossed over the finish line today and with flying colours. Dr SP take a bow! May your success be all of ours.

My day unlike SP's was filled with frustration and incomprehension...another supervision unfulfilled. What do I need to do to make it come out differently? Will I ever know before I cross that converted finish line? I wonder if I care that much - but obviously I do. The lesson learnt - you miss the deadlines you face the consequences. But I think I'll die another day, I've come to far to give up just yet.

just a little thought

a crap picture of my window view from UCT library

Yesterday while sitting in the UCT's library and watching students gather for their graduation ceremony outside Jameson Hall I had this thought. I had been reading through and reflecting on the comments I received from a really insightful 'reading' of my methodology and data chapters. I felt like I finally knew what this thesis was about and in that moment I felt so powerful, so in control and in charge. It made me wonder why this feeling was so silent from the rest of my experiences of the PhD. It reminded me of something I was taught as a really young person while grappling with the ideology of apartheid. I came to understand that it is in the oppressor's interest never to allow, or to severely restrict the oppressed's realisation of the power they have to change the situation and this mechanism functions to keeps them in continual oppression - I've often heard Bantu Education explained using this analogy. But it rang true for me too.
I thought 'Imagine if I realised or was constantly encouraged to see my power throughout the PhD experience? Just imagine!'

That glimmer of the power of my insight and developing understanding of my thesis now needs to be cultivated - I must never lose sight of it, in fact it must be nurtured and allowed to blossom. Therein lies the possibility for turning things around.

stuck and getting unstuck

I've been stuck...since Tuesday I would say, trying to write or make some progress on the all important Interpretation and Discussion chapter. When I last wrote I said I would sit down and write...I tried this on Thursday and came up with a blank page - well I did lots of brainstorming but everything seemed so lame, so unbelievable, lacking plausibility. The problem plaguing my writing of this thesis all along reared it's very ugly and destructive head! I want everything to be worked out in my head before I write and because it isn't this major blockage occurs. Also I want my writing to be perfect the first time even though I know this is an impossibility (as the many, many draft versions of everything I've written so far suggests). So instead of committing to paper my thoughts and ideas no matter how rough, I spend all my energy fretting about all the gaps in my argument and how R & M and anyone for that matter, will see all the obvious holes in my discussion. 

In desperation I turned to the supervisors - as you do in such times. Besides the very helpful practical suggestion offered, especially to counter the negative writing pattern that seems to overwhelm me, I got this little gem...and it is a gem because I think it so beautifully captures where I need to get to and how I need to trust myself

I think, in the end, it will be about you coming to a stronger sense of what/who you have actually been studying and why - this sense will belong to you and no-one else will be in a position to gainsay it on either methodological or conceptual grounds simply because they won't own it like you do. Trust yourself on this.

I have become a bit unstuck (wrote 1000 words yesterday) and think as I head into the new week it will get better and I might have an 'goodish' Draft 1 of the Interpretation and Discussion chapter come Friday/Saturday. 

interpretation and discussion

I've been delaying, putting off and avoiding. I'm resisting sitting down to write this something that will eventually morph into a chapter that outlines my interpretation and discussion of my research analysis. Should this be called findings? I guess that is what it is. My chapter titles at the moment are not sexy, they aren't personal - they are very formulaic and follow the prescriptions set out in any 'how-to' books on doing a PhD. Maybe the sexiness will still come...we will see.

But my main problem has been this inability to want to deal with the interpretations - in effect tying down the crux of the thesis and really saying what the research is all about. Thoughts about this have been drifting in and out of my mind for weeks now, especially as I've been writing and rewriting my analysis chapters. Just yesterday I tidied my study, as my niece has become the temporary tenant of this room in my flat, and I found version upon version of my analysis chapters. I think it would be underestimation if I said I've rewritten those chapter more than 10 times over the past 12 months. But the key issue now is to decide what the hell I do with everything written in those cases.

To feel like I'm doing something about this issue - even though I'm not writing (but we all know writing is the only thing that counts) - I've been reading what other people say and do about this section of their thesis. So I consulted Kamler and Thomson and attempted what they call 'conversational moves' which is essentially where you set out the argument you are trying to make in each chapter. So my argument is a weak and convoluted one at the moment, and I actually think this exercise will be more helpful once I actually have the two ends of the thesis i.e. the introduction and interpretation/discussion, worked out. I've also been reading other people's theses - but we all structure our work so differently - so none of the theses I've read have presented their analysis as two separate case studies. Most people have identified specific themes and construct their analysis around these themes. Another common strategy is to draw together some analytical and interpretative insights at the end of each of such thematic chapters. My themes have become embedded in each case study presentation. I have also kept my case study analysis 'clean' and uncontaminated with theoretical interpretation. I was hoping that the interpretation and discussion chapter would attempt to lift out the themes from both cases and then subject them to theoretical scrutiny.

So this weekend, starting today, I will just sit down and freaking write!
- How is the theory helping me to explain and understand the case studies?
- What are the answers to my research questions?
- Do the case studies actually relate or touch on the research questions?

Let's see how this goes - I need to be brave, like a warrior or something and just face this thing head on.

a final something about HELTASA

The last day of the conference was possibly the best for me. I didn't expect it, it just happened. I was late - very late and rushed to the final session of the day before the keynote. A session on post-graduate writing. LT spoke about trying to understand and make sense of student writing through the concept of risk. A little pedagogic intervention of a writer's circle that was not an overtly framed pedagogic intervention. The stories of the students - not the simplified, washed out and heard-it all before writing journey - but a deeply situated, personal-contextual insight. Nothing you could possible get from a 'how-to' book. And I sat there and thought - this is why I can't give up 'the student'. In fact this final session probably came to symbolise, and dramatically so, much of my conference experience where I had subconsciously sought out presentations that addressed the theme of the student. Why, because I know that my PhD does not, wasn't able to attend to the student voice in the way that I probably would have liked. It's always been a tension in my work, acknowledged by myself but always under the surface. What this final presentation brought home was the fact that I want to address this tension in my thesis. I decided right there that it will have to be an issue that I give prominence to. The student has to be central to what I do - and my professional life after my PhD will have to be framed with this position in mind.

I thought of the very first HELTASA conference I attended at the end of 2003 I think - it had been a tough year for me professionally and personally and I stood in the midst of all the conference goers and thought to myself - This is where I belong. Walking out of the presentation I felt a similar buzz, a similar sense of excitement, a feeling of being in the right place, being pointed in the right direction and of coming home.

PhD narratives

You can't go to a conference like HELTASA as a PhD students and not get into a conversation about your PhD. Either it's with people who have finished their PhD's and then offer commiserations on your experience saying how hard it is and that only by going through the whole thing do you fully understand exactly how hard it really is. Or it's fellow PhD students wondering how far along you are and then you sort of huddle together offering kind words, advice, sympathy and support but deep inside you're vexed by the underlying competitive tone and degree to which you have to save face by telling distorted stories about the reality of your progress. Three years full time and still not done? I hear them say to themselves and even though I don't want to, I feel somewhat obliged to offer some plausible - meaning outside of my control -explanation for why I'm 'so behind', like I had to wait six months before coming to SA to collect my data.

Most of the PhD narratives that I've heard  from people here though have been positive ones - they love their supervisors, love their topics, love the whole experience save for the odd frustration here and there and the 'hard work' it takes. In such an environment I shut up, smile politely and accept that I'm not the post-girl for the PhD, while trying hard not to feel resentment that their experience appears infinitely more positive than mine. I try in those quick moments to simply accept that everyone is entitled to their experience and I don't have to spoil it by pissing on their parade by telling my story. I have come to realise that it's not important to tell my story anyway or rather that I don't have to tell the real story to everyone. In any case if I did tell the 'real' story is such a fleeting way the reasons for my experience would never be revealed - I could never capture of the complexities and multivariate explanations for why things have come to be the way they are. It's not simply because of my supervisors, because it's at the OU, because it's in the UK, because of the cultural differences, because of language and writing expectations, because I lack confidence or don't have the intellectual ability, because the writing rules are different, because I need different things to learn effectively, because, because, because... How do you explain such complexity to an distant acquaintance  in 10 minutes without compromising yourself and your supervision team. I've also become conscious that even though it has been my experience I don't want to be complicit in these general PhD narratives of doom and gloom. Especially the stereotypical rendition of these narratives. I don't think it should be this way in fact I guess deep inside I believe one should love your PhD in all it's fascinating aspects.
So it's better to smile politely, express genuine interest and enthusiasm for the story being expressed, show empathy when required, but keep my mouth shut about my own experiences except to say how interesting but challenging the journey has been so far.

I have lots to say

I've just attended the annual HELTASA conference in Stellenbosch and I have this overwhelming desire to write, write, write about my experience and how it reflects my ongoing thoughts and struggles associated with being a PhD student. I wish I had taken the time to write in reflection on each day I attended the conference. Writing now feels almost contrived - retrospectively censored. Also because I have so much to say I'm going to have to say things over a couple of posts so the distance from the actual event will become more marked. But hey I can only work with what I have.

Day One - Wednesday

I presented my first PhD related work within a formal academic conference environment on Wednesday. As I got closer to the day I become more anxious. My usual anxiety I guess especially since I only started working on the main focus and thrust of the argument little over a week before the conference. So I didn't really have time to consider other ways of thinking about the presentation. As usual I probably spent more than 8 hours working on a 15 minute presentation. I felt anxious that I needed to get the whole thing right. I saw myself as an outsider and in a way I played on this by deciding not to signal my affiliation to my local institution on my presentation slides. Initial I wanted to say something cheeky about my OU affiliation and my South African accent and how this might have puzzled people in the audience hoping to hear a British academic speak. But I abandoned this little comic interlude on the last minute because I thought it would be too cheesy. I decided I would simply present and allow people to draw their own conclusions about who I was and why I was there. In the end I didn't even introduce myself to the audience...talk about performance anxiety. At the back of mind I kept thinking - I have to be good, I can't give people any doubts about the quality of my educational experience in the UK. I'll always stand in judgement somewhat unfairly because I've gone outside the country. I feel like I need to try harder just to get to the level where the other South Africans are.

Generally, except for keynote speaker, most presenters at academic conferences do a sort of 'off the cuff' presentation. I remember a time when I did this too relying mainly on memory joggers - little bullet points to reminder me of what I wanted to say. But since being in the UK I have completely abandoned this approach and now only use a full script. I'm really conscious that by doing this I don't completely 'conform' to the 'perceived' way of doing things at such events. But I've grown confident in an 'I don't care' attitude about this practice I have. Interestingly, talking to colleague who I really respect at a cocktail function later that evening, she commented that she only presents using a full script - she always has and won't do it any other way. I felt a found a little kindred spirit and it was rather reassuring that I'm not on my own. We both felt confident and assured  - because it works for us it had own internal validity - it doesn't need anything else. YAY!

Back to the presentation - well 15 minutes came and went, rather quickly actually. And then NO questions. That awkward silence when the audience stares back at you, some with a glazed over look in their eyes and you wonder 'Why the hell did I put so much effort into this?' Seasoned academics often mention that they are very selective about which conferences they attend, choosing only to go to the conference that best match up with their research interest and where they feel they will get the best response from their engagement. Novice, wann-a-be's like me take what I can get and therefore the response I got can be seen almost as an occupational hazard. The consolation - and yes there was a consolidation - preparing for the presentation has helped me to think more clearly about the main point my analysis was trying to make about the particular case I was talking about. The presentation is definitely the first step I want to take in crafting a paper about this case study analysis. So what I'm taking away from the somewhat deflated experience is that it had less to do with the specific performance and more about the hidden gains derived from the experience - but then I would say that wouldn't I!

addicted to tea

I can't stop drinking tea. I sit on my backside, staring at a computer screen for most of the day and all I want to do is drink tea. I had all the tea stains scraped off my teeth today and wonder how long it will take before they reappear. The warm Cape Town weather hasn't made any impact on dissuading me from drinking my beverage of choice. Maybe it's my little secret writing comfort.
Looking back at some photos from the study years in MK...seems like the tea addiction might have been cultivated there.

I make progress everyday - the progress doesn't always correspond with my work plans and schedules which are now stuck up on the wall just above my computer screen - so always in focus, always on my mind.
I'm determined though - determined to get that first draft done - before Xmas. I've promised myself that I can consider getting a TV if I meet this deadline...a pretty motivating incentive for someone who is probably addicted to TV too.

good intentions

What is that saying 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'? No sooner did I make my good intentions known when they were challenged. I had to go to work yesterday to attend a very important and interesting meeting that brought together the schooling, FET and UoT sectors to talk about the provisioning of ICT education. But my plan, what about my plan to conclude the editing of my analysis and research methodology chapters on THURSDAY? So I'm already behind as I step into my new work scheme...how utterly frustrating.

But it's not all bad - I also made the decision to leave or temporarily abandon my social media profile. I de-activated my Facebook account in a bid to focus, focus, focus on my writing. Now I can't randomly click, click, click on Facebook, not so much to genuinely find out what my 'friends' on the other side of the world or the city are doing, but in response to some nervous tick that you know you don't want to do, but do anyway. Yes I miss knowing whether someone, somewhere is enjoying the sunshine or the miserable weather but it is also an energy sapping activity when it takes you away from doing the 'real' and 'meaningful' stuff you should really be doing.

I also realised, yet again, how invaluable Dropbox is to the PhD student. For some unexplained reason I messed up the Word 'Styles' configuration for my thesis yesterday. Suddenly I no longer had a 2nd level of headings. Anybody who knows what I've just described will probably be breaking out in a cold sweat at this point. Dropbox came to my rescue - I could find an earlier version of the document where the formatting was still maintained and 'go back' to that version. I had to do some minor cut 'n paste work but the integrity of the Style configuration was maintained. Massive sjoe!

So as the weekend rolls on and the blue skies and sun make their appearance I know what I'll be doing and where I'll be doing it. Oh happy days.

breaking the narrative of mediocrity

For a while now my story has been one of missed deadlines, struggles with my writing, struggles with my supervisors, struggles with the PhD. Overall just a total mediocre showing on my part - everything that could,  did go wrong. In a way I accepted the missed deadlines and all the other struggles and problems - I accepted them and readjusted my plans and continued on, only to miss the next deadline or fail to deliver the standard of work I wanted at the next deadline. It just seemed so easy to give in and not to push myself a little bit more. Recently, I asked myself  'Where is the Lynn of the past? The Lynn who wouldn't settled for anything but the best effort?' She is gone and only a shadow remains in her place. If there is one positive thing my ex-students seem to remember me by is that I did not accept mediocre efforts - I always pushed them to deliver their best. 'Where is that Lynn?'

I'm going to try again. Yes, yet again because what else is there to do except to try again. I'm not ready to give up that much I know. I've got about five weeks to construct Draft 1 on my new timetable and I need to deliver it. I need to detach from all the specific 'issues' and focus on the global - the general theme for the thesis, the overall argument, making the argument visible throughout the thesis, getting a basic but coherent general story running through the entire thesis. This is the task at hand. I have to put aside 'Life' happening all around me and push forward - what a bumpy four years I've had - but five immediate weeks to try again.

Where I currently am - What I've done to date

Where I need to get to and what I need to do to get there

how to define a successful week

I'm sitting in my lounge on my brother's huge leather sofa (the only furniture in this room that I can claim as my own - is a super cheap plastic table) with a huge vodka at hand. I'm not working tonight.

In making the decision not to work tonight I've decided that I've been sufficiently productive to take a night off. So how am I defining that productivity - by the amount of words added to my thesis? Throughout my time at the OU word count seemed to be the only way success was defined. I remember right at the start of my studies there I found this obsession with the word count a difficult thing to get my head around. Over the years however, I've learnt how to take on that discourse myself. But I'm still not convinced it's the only way one can define your success in this PhD game.

This week I went to a really interesting and stimulating symposium - where I realised that Basil Bernstein is very much alive and kicking...kicking arse actually if the intellectual scholarship of the papers presented over the last three days is anything to go by. I had a Skype supervision, a productive critical conversation with a mentor and friend and just about finalised my second analysis chapter...and it's only Thursday. So does this constitute a successful week? Oh and how many words did I write this week...maybe 1500 - 2000?

I don't think I'm ever going to get away from this 'what constitutes success' dilemma while I'm working on my PhD - if I've learnt one thing about this process it's that you're always in deficit. So even if I finished the freaking thesis this week I would still list at least 10 things I should or could have done.

a space of your own

This might sound trivial but it's almost the most joyful thing to have a dedicated work space where you can leave your papers just as you want and when returning to your desk, a few hours later, find everything is exactly as you left it and your are ready to pick up where you left off. This feels like such a luxury after having to share work space with my bedroom for such a long time. I feel totally privileged.

oh analysis...

I've been working on one of my analysis chapters. It's the one I like best, the one I was most confident about. Anyway I'm like five pages away from the end of the chapter - I've worked through the whole chapter and re-shaped and re-crafted the whole thing to bring it in-line with the analysis framework - and the final bit doesn't work any more. In fact it's just wrong - no participant voices, no comments on how they completed or marked the assignment, just wrong. I'm sitting here wanting to pull my hair out because I know what I need to do. Back to Atlas, back to coding the interviews specifically related to this assignment and rewrite the section. I can't do a patch-job, it just won't do justice to the analytic framework and the argument that is starting to emerge. I don't mind doing the work, I just have the word 'DEADLINE' blasting in my head. Oh and of course I need to go to work in about 1 hour and for the next three days I'll be locked away in a workshop and planned to attend a two-day symposium on Knowledge and Curriculum next week. Oh happy days :-)

in Cape Town

My boxes arrived today...the end of the journey? Strangely this seems an apt expression in more ways than I can explain at the moment.

a week of change and a big decision

Since I've been writing this blog I've been cynical bordering on pessimistic about the PhD road I've been travelling. I've found the process boring, tedious, uninspiring, difficult, devoid of real learning opportunities, depressing, demotivating, bad for my mental health to name but a few ways in which I've captured my experiences. However, since I've come back to Cape Town I've noticed a subtle shift that became more pronounced last week. Suddenly I found I was filled with this sense of determination to crack this nut. I actually felt I could get on top of it and actually do it. I dare not say enthusiastic, because that would be like a bit of a show-off. I've feel like I want to embrace this thing and do the best job I can. I suspect a lot of this new found vigour has to do with feeling really supported - emotionally and academically - I feel like I'm being held up and protected.
Then this week I had to go back to work - I started to be included in the normal academic activities and my future was being planned and plotted. The cold, hard reality of not having finished the PhD in the UK hit me right between the eyes. I realised for the first time, probably since I started my studies in the UK, the enormity of trying to finish a PhD (especially the last 6-9 months) while juggling a demanding, time and energy sapping job. I also know that I haven't always enjoyed the full-time PhD experience and have said in the past that I might have done better with having bit of it part-time and full-time. I still think that kind of model has its benefits. However, as I'm moving into the zone, where things are starting to coalesce,  the need to fill my brain space with only PhD feels absolutely critical. So I've made a decision - I'm going to ask for more time off - another six months - from January to June, to finish my thesis. This is a big decision because I may have to do this on unpaid leave and even if I don't have to do it on unpaid leave I won't be earning a full salary and will still be left with particular obligations to my current institution. But I'm so close to the end now and it just feels like this is the right thing to do - for me. Maybe I can still find some enjoyment out of the process - maybe this is where the enjoyment will come, through the sacrifice - I don't know. I've made the decision but as yet I'm not sure how it will be received.

I spoke to a colleague yesterday, she has been doing her PhD here in Cape Town while holding down a full-time job (like most people I know in South Africa who have done a PhD) and just recently took off some time from work to devoted to her PhD. We were having a little gripe session, comparing our experiences and we both came to the same conclusion, that at the heart of the PhD experience is a personal desire, need and determination to finish the project. It has less to do with your intellectual ability (or proving your intellectual ability) and more about a test of your levels of self-confidence, tenacity, self-esteem, self-awareness and self-worth. You have to take the knocks and the blows and get up and dust yourself off and stand ready for the next 'fight'. So onwards I go - more determined than ever - knowing that it just has to come together in this new time frame.

breathe in, breathe out

Nothing goes the way we plan it. Maybe that is the golden rule of planning - if you plan it, chances are you should expect to make some adjustments and changes.

Being in transition is practically about changing your plans almost continually. You have to ask 'Is there any point in planning?' during this tricky, fluid period, because everything seems to change in a blink of an eye. One minute it's ok for me to work on my PhD, the next I have to be more visible at work.  One minute I am in charge of scoping out the path I want to flow - the next minute it is all predetermined for me. It's been a bit of a shock to go back into institutional life and to realise that things are pretty much the same as they were when I left. Unfortunately all the old rather unpleasant feelings and associations have remained too. I feel as if I'm being forced to think about things I just don't have the head space for. It would have been nice to only do this when I had Draft 1 all ready and polished. But it's not to be.

I'm behind in my schedule but somehow feel more and more determined. My tasks is to finish the Draft 1 where I will scope out the solid beginning of my thesis argument by December. Come hell or high water this is what I will do...give or take a few days of course...to accommodate the minor panic attacks and fits of frustration...yeah right!

I think I'm gonna be fine...

Being a PhD student in your final year is not for the faint hearted. You go from peaceful and calm to frantic, irrational, crazy person in almost 10 seconds flat. On a Monday you look towards the coming week with great anticipation of being productive and making steady progress and when you reach Friday and look back over what you have done, you find a few diagrams illustrating your analysis framework and an analysis chapter only just looking like something half presentable. I'm being a bit unforgiving because this process isn't always just about being able to show in a tangible hard copy what resulted from your thinking work. I'm trying to illustrate that at the beginning of this week I was confident about achieving something and now have to be content with what I have achieve - which doesn't neatly line up with what those projected intentions. Your expectations always have to be tentative.

I had a insightful and honest critical conversation this morning - and as a result I think I'm gonna be fine. I realise I probably won't be fine all the time, but in little pockets here and there I will be and at the end of this long, protracted, soul-wrenching process I will be fine. But I'm only going to fine if I lean on the supports around me. Not only is a PhD not for the faint hearted, it's not something you want to do alone. 
Aluta continua...

oh how boring!

I'd forgotten how freaking boring it is to sit down day after day and craft words. My brain feels like word-soup. I don't mind the writing but the process is a solitary and boring one. I experienced this in the UK too and frequently had to punctuate these writing spells with trips to the OU for some personal company and engaging tea breaks. Now back in Cape Town I've isolated myself in my study and I'm feeling the effects.

I've started to work on my analysis chapters. A good strategy as I have my Research Methodology fresh in my mind. I suspect that as the week progresses I will have both chapters side-by-side adjusting and amending as they start to influence and shape each other. The overall end result can only be the strengthening of all the resultant work.

Yeah - you have to love your research topic and want to finish this thing because it's 80% boring and 20% exciting stuff. Also the sheer volume and scope of the writing task. My research methodology chapter is currently larger than my whole MRes dissertation - holding all the bits together is keeping me from my sleep at night. But I'm moving out this week - a special little cafe in Observatory with my name on it is calling me...a ray of sunshine in the boring grey skyline.

domestic issues aside?

The week started well and then unfortunately disintegrated into a mess as I has to look away from the thesis and face a series of domestic issues needing attention. My Research methodology chapter is still hanging as a result - I've made a first, but solid, stab at carefully articulating my analytic framework and I've resolved not to raise the issue of generalisability in this chapter but deal with it in the conclusion, if I'm going to deal with it at all. This is one of the chapters I'm most happy with and I think it provides a solid foundation that almost meticulously and explicitly lays bear what I did and why. So for now I'm reasonably happy. I think I will have to 'park it' for now and come back to it again before I make my Draft 1 submission. I need to make up lost time so have to move on to the analysis chapters. Now that the major domestic issues have been settled (my cooker and new security gates are installed) I can focus more intently on my work. I'm also hoping that certain parts of the thesis will progress quickly so I can catch-up on my work plan.

This week also saw me attending to reviewer comments about a book chapter I've been working on. This is the final submission and I've been pulling my hair out about minute stylistic detail and sentence structure. I wish my grammar and vocabulary were better - maybe this would help me craft beautiful sentences that clearly communicate my view points. But instead I've been fretting about my grammatical and word choices. There are certain paragraphs where I know I'm expressing the point I want to make in a really dull and convoluted way - but I just don't have the 'tools' I need to craft it more elegantly. Anyway - I suspect I'm going to bemoan this particular point over and over again during the next few months as I try to do the same thing with the thesis...heaven help me! The sun is shining outside, it's a beautiful day in Cape Town - maybe I'll get out and enjoy it.

Week One!

My first week of working on Draft 1 of my thesis has already come to an end. It's the first week of work since I returned to Cape Town and a good month since I did any serious work on my thesis. It was a fairly productive week considering that I was also trying to buy a car, get my stove fitted into the existing kitchen units, resolve a long standing administrative glitch associated with my medical aid and get a range of niggly little odd jobs finished in my flat. It was a week of major distractions. Last Sunday I worked out a work schedule that would take me from the five individual chapters I had already written to a cohesive Draft 1 of my thesis containing a total of seven chapters in just under eight weeks. Allocating different tasks to each week made me realised just how little time I actually had. Previously, I imagined that eight weeks was a rather generous time frame. Mid-way through the week I realised that in future I need to construct a weekly work plan to guide my tasks and activities - simply working toward an ideal goal of 'Finish Research Methodology Chapter' is really just providing the right amount of rope I need to hang myself.

So back to work and it feels pretty much the same as it did in England - except I can't quickly walk over the field to the OU when I want some human interaction or to print whatever I've written. In many ways I've imposed a form of self-isolated because I haven't made any conscious plans to see my friends or old colleagues. But it's easy to pop down to my family for a quick catch-up chat or hot meal and intersperse this with my work activities. I guess it feels more balanced and I know I will become more social as my routine becomes entrenched and I feel more confident about the progress I'm making. In a strange way I miss the familiar what was my working life in England and the OU - I miss my friends - the tea breaks with SB (and the recently the cuddles with MM) the frappes with KC, coffee in the Hub with SP, the phone conversations with JT and the cynical but deeply funny chats with BD. It will get better the more settled I start to feel. I just want to make progress and see the coherent entity, that will be my thesis, start to emerge. When that starts to happens I know I will be on my way...

the surreal homecoming

Only a week ago I spent my last night in Warren Bank, Milton Keynes, my home for the last 15 months since my return from fieldwork in July 2011. Now I am spending the first weekend in my Hilchama flat in Cape Town. The past six days have been pretty surreal although I can feel myself drifting closer and closer to reality and the days pass by.

When I walked through the doors of my flat on Monday morning it felt as if I had been transported into a parallel universe - everything looked familiar but somehow it was also completely strange. Did I really choose that colour for the walls in the living room? What was I thinking? So many times I had fantasized about what it would be like to be 'home' again, to be in my own flat with all it's space and light, freeing me from the restricting and suffocating living environments in MK. And yet my first reaction to being in the 'space' I had represented as my 'true' home while in the UK was to wonder how the hell I could have painted the walls a pale lilac! The space is the same, but I have changed and my needs, wants, perceptions have also changed - and just as I had to do in England I realise that in order to call this space my true home again I will have to make it my own again reflection who I am now - not who I was four years ago.

And this strange moment acted as a marker for the experiences that shaped the rest of my week as I rushed around trying to make decisions about kitchen appliances, applied for broadband services, assessed my security needs, shopped for food and household goods, resolved ex-tenant queries and wished I could simply drive to Ikea but equally grateful I call call on a host of supportive friends and family as I navigated these different tasks. The PhD took an unfortunate back seat and I only managed to spend a miserly hour or so working on my supervision notes on Friday.

I'm positive though - deep down I'm positive - at the surface I am uneasy, I haven't settled, I feel insecure, I am ambivalent - but I know this is where I need to be right now. This is where I need to be to finish my PhD and I know I will settle and it will be ok eventually.

not everyone can understand

I had a response about my blog post yesterday - the person couldn't understand why I was feeling sad about leaving the UK and in a way belittled my emotional response to all the mixed and confusing feelings I was experiencing. Surely coming home to my 'real' friends and family in Cape Town should be enough to dispel any ambivilance I might be feeling. Maybe for some people but not for me. Because I am sad about leaving here doesn't mean that I care any less for my friends and family in Cape Town than I do for the people I have come to care for in England and who have certainly come to care for me. This 'silly', probably insignificant comment on my blog post upset me and while I've dismissed the whole incident as coming from someone who doesn't really understand me or indeed the complexity of normal human interaction and life as a whole - it has brought into sharp focus that being in the UK for four years has changed me and possibly some people might not like, accept or appreciate these changes.

the farewells start

I've been wanting to write for weeks now but I can't seem to bring myself to articulate the complex and contradictory emotional responses I have toward my imminent departure from the UK. I'm happy I'm at this place in time where I can go back to Cape Town. I've been thinking, almost fantasizing, about going home for so long now. So I expected to be filled with only excitement as my departure date gets closer. But this hasn't been the case. I've been really sad and conflicted, not sure what to make of these opposite emotions. But it's four years of my life I'm saying goodbye to and as the shift from this one, probably defining period, to the yet unknown 'other' stage of my life awaits me, I'm forced to reflect on what has been. I have to accept it as another part of my life's journey no matter how hard I have, at times, wanted to discard this period. So I think it's all those kind of undercurrents bubbling up to the surface that is obviously responsible for my current sense of sadness. Maybe in some future blog post I'll be able to flesh out exactly what I mean - I would like to be able to do that. For now I'm just going through all the farewell events - enjoying the moments shared with friends, colleagues and supervisors, recognising that because the moments are part of the saying goodbye process, they are different and allow a window into something new - a new way of defining, possibly even remembering, these relationships and it does offer the potential for a healthy, maybe even, welcoming alternative memory.

make a cup of tea Lynn!

I started constructing my thesis document this morning. Before this I worked with separate chapter files. I'm having heart palpitations all the way through the formatting tasks I'm doing. It's real! I can't believe it, I'm feeling completely petrified and excited at the same time. Then when trying to update my bibliography I did something with my mouse and 'lost' the complete bibliography for my Literature Review chapter. So I'm making a cup of tea to calm my nervous before I go and 'recover' the bibliography. It's still 'there', somewhere on my software's database but not in the place it should be...fucking hell!

the future has arrived

Since I devised my last work plan about 4-5 months ago, the end of August/ beginning of September was a milestone I've been looking forward to. It marked my proposed final deadline for the last bit of serious work I would do in the UK before returning to Cape Town permanently. 24 August was the supposed submission date, initially for the first draft of my thesis, but then it was scaled back to merely be the first draft of my literature review. Well the date came and went and I rescheduled. August was a low month - my motivation and connection to my PhD reached an all time low and it seem inevitable that I would not, could not, meet my deadline. Last week I was in Sweden attending the Improving Student Learning conference and still had the unfinished literature review hanging over my head.  On Sunday night at about 11pm after a four hour trip from Heathrow to Milton Keynes I decided to send the draft piece to my supervisors. Here are the 'reading notes' I sent along with the submission...

Finally - my literature review (but also unfortunately under-baked and incomplete). Apologies for the delay - I tried to make the most of the ISL conference and didn't want to spend all my time, while there, working on the chapter. Hopefully I'll remember to give you some of my impressions of the conference too and the lessons learned.

Here are some of my 'reading notes' for the attached piece

1) I think it captures the main areas of theory that are useful for my thesis (and research in general)
2) I don't think I've done a very good job of integrating the different theoretical strands - to me each area currently seems to stand alone, independently (think it might be because I'm still in the mode where I'm writing for myself and not writing a thesis for an audience)
3) I'm most unhappy with the section on literacy practices - I don't think it's robust enough - maybe this will come once the Discussion and Interpretation chapter is written and I feel more confidence with my analysis. I'm also not happy with Section 1.4 - I think this is purely because I haven't read widely enough or haven't found a way to bring what I have read about this issue into the argument I am crafting
4) I feel there are sections that could do with more recent readings especially the 2012 Lea and Street and Robinson-Pant chapters. I've read your chapter M but haven't been able to bring it into my writing here. The section on graphic design education must still be done.
5) Given my own uncertainties about the status of this draft I think what might be productive for me at this point (and also conscious that I don't want to waste your time) is if you can highlight/identify areas of inaccuracy, areas that need more clarification and areas that are important but that I haven't signalled sufficiently or that I haven't mentioned at all. Your input in guiding me forward for the next draft would be very helpful.

Green/underlined text - stylistic, sentence structure issues
Orange/ italic text - concern about accuracy and validity of the points/claims being made

So this is how it is, it's the best I can manage at the moment, which really should be ok. I hope I can truly accept that it is ok. Last week amidst the looming deadline and anxiety about the quality of the work I got to visit the city of Lund and made a very brief but memorable trip to Copenhagen - think I'd like to go back. But for now the future has become the present and I am going home soon.

Walking in Uppsala...the road ahead perhaps?

The cobbled streets of Lund, southern Sweden

With the little mermaid in Copenhagen

writing, writing, writing again

I'm working on the first draft of my conceptual framework (aka - literature review) and I experienced the classic sequence of events. I avoid doing the writing for as long as I can, but once I start it's 'sort-of-ok' until, of course, I encounter the first of many stumbling blocks in the writing process. So at the moment, it's sort-of-ok! I know it's not going to be the version that makes it to the final thesis, but it's a start to that process. I spoke to someone who is working on her second thesis draft and her advice was 'don't put too much effort into it because at this stage you don't know where you're taking it and you might end up trashing large sections of work you were sweating over for weeks - the effort can come at a later stage when you are more clear of the direction you plan to take'. Good advice but in order to follow this advice, which is somewhat counter-intuitive to how I tend to work, I've really had to consciously stand back from my need to get everything right the first time. But with my deadline looming I've been forced by necessity to just go with the current version of the conceptual framework. So I'm just tying up loose-ends and making my current argument as articulate as I can. I'll have to wait for feedback and then see where it take me.

One thing that is rather prominent in my writing is it's South African flavour. I'm relying very strongly on SA researchers and scholars. Thinking about this today, as I quoted yet another SA researcher, I wondering if this was partly to make a very important point about the validity, relevance and credibility of SA research. Also I suspect that very few people here might have read the work and maybe this is another way to draw attention to and promote the depth and value of the insights presented in the work. And of course to very clearly signal my identity and allegiance. Selfishly though, I thought - well maybe I can also vicariously gain kudos through the work of my esteemed country men and women. 

passing time

I can't believe that about six weeks ago I looked ahead to this coming week thinking this would be the final week of concerted work on my PhD in the UK. Now that this week has arrived I can't believe it has come so quickly. Yes and I will never have the past six weeks back again. But life really happened in these past six weeks. Life interceded in my PhD. I think this is probably the first time during my four years in the UK that I really felt that life took the place of my PhD. It's rather strange because for all intents and purposes nothing 'dramatic' happened for life to intercede in the way it did. But it did and created a sort of psychological impasse that I hope I can bridge.

I've been working on my literature review - I feel I know so much, yet so little. I can see the fruit of my labour in the first year of my PhD. But now revisiting the core literature that is most salient for my PhD argument, I am questioning my understanding of certain theoretical concepts and how I applied it methodologically. How crazy is that. I laid in bed on Friday almost in some sort of blind panic thinking that I didn't accurately understand the concept of literacy practice. That I got it wrong. Yet my whole thesis is based on this concept. I guess in a similar way in February the realisation that I didn't accurately understand the concept of recontextualisation was also brought home to me in the most stark manner. But this, in a way, is what the literature review process is all about...helping one to gain more insight and understanding into the theoretical constructs holding up your thesis. So onward I guess.

Just over a month to go before I head back to Cape Town - yes it really is happening and I have the boxes to prove it. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. Looking forward to saying hello to my friends and family in Cape Town but equally anxious about saying goodbye to my academic family and friends here. The goodbye process started already on Friday when I said goodbye to KC;  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to all the other goodbyes that are still to come. All part of life of course - wish it were easier. The weekend has been gorgeous - the weather perfect, reminiscent of summer. I'm hoping for a productive Sunday and week ahead.

reflecting on August

In addition to 'doing' the PhD - that is the daily 'working-on' my research project and, for the past 10-11 months, trying to articulate it through the construction of a thesis, I also spend a lot of time 'reflecting' on the process - how I do what I do and how all this doing is affecting me at a personal and professional level. In many ways the genesis behind the creation of this blog. The blog attempts to give some voice to the process aspects of my PhD and my reflections of that process.

By all accounts the pass week has been positive - I'm able to demonstrate and my progress in relation to an increased word on my literature review and the number of readings I was able to get through. But paying attention to how I got to this point - being able to say that I've made some progress - I realised that I probably spend about 60% of any given day in some kind of self-motivation activity. Willing myself to work, to get out of bed, to sit at my desk, or organise my papers, to remain working, to not think about other things, to concentrate on the reading I'm doing or the writing I'm attempting, to tell myself that I can do 'this thing' (write the sentence, the paragraph, the whole thesis), that all I need do everyday is make some progress. 40% of my working time is probably spent engaged with the intellectual activity associated with my research and thesis. I've been wondering what it would be like if I could devote a full 80-100% of my mental energy just on my intellectual project. Maybe that's not realistic I suspect most people do some psychological work on themselves everyday. But for me at this moment, and I suspect it's been like this for a good while now, my PhD is been largely about psychology - convincing myself to stay on the path, especially when I encounter the bumps and rough patches.

Also this week it finally dawned on me that I haven't really accepted where I am in relation to my progress. Sure I have 'millions' of draft workplans to show and most people now know, because I've told them, that my expected submission date will be May 2013. But this week I realised that I haven't truly accepted this state of affairs - I'm still deeply disappointed, sad and angry with myself that I won't be completing my PhD within the stipulated and official time frame. It doesn't matter that very few of my peers will actually meet this deadline and that on overage most PhD students (certainly at the OU) irrespective of their discipline need anything from a 3-9 extra months to reach submission date. Internally, I haven't actually accepted my own fate and this makes me very cross with myself almost all the time - no wonder I need to spend 60% of my energy making myself feel better. Accepting where I'm at in relation to my proposed completion date is, I believe, a crucial step in gaining back my mental well being and being able to see the process through a positive lens.

So as the next week approaches I move forward trying to meet the next deadline as best as I can. In the words of  Disney and Pixar's Dory (from Finding Nemo) I've gotta 'just keep swimming'.

talking makes everything better

I've long accepted that fact that a good cup of tea makes everything better. But today my education continued when I fully understood how talking can also make everything seem and feel so much better. I've had a rough few weeks and after a particularly frustrating, non-work day yesterday (because I went to London to apply for a Schengen visa) I woke up this morning feeling rather tender. The morning itself was filled with a range of little administrative tasks that I just needed to do. The writing task I started on Sunday, and that had to be put on hold because of my trip to London, sat waiting for me on my desk - but it loomed even larger in my head where it had been stewing since I was force to set it aside.

Amidst all of this angst I just decided to call a dear friend in Cape Town. I rarely talk to her about my academic related 'stuff' but today I gave a broad overview of my perception of the academic challenges I'm currently facing. But mostly we talked about real life, my return to Cape Town, having drinks at the Radisson at the Waterfront in summer and being older and wise enough to know that even the shitty periods in one's life will actually pass. Then I had a short coffee break with a friend and colleague of mine who is preparing for her viva. We spoke about the viva process, talking English in England, living in Milton Keynes and then moving to a 'proper' English city, our perceptions of ourself during the PhD process which often tends to be more negative than the perception other people have of us. I also had a conversation with another colleague, but this time about the Mad Men series 5 and our impressions of Don, the main character, and the strategies she was employing to bring on the birth of her baby which was due in a few days time.

After all of this I managed to put in a fairly productive day of writing - making some sense of the complexity of film education. I also managed to completely pack 1 box and I started to pack another. Seems I am moving back to Cape Town. Talking...the next best thing since sliced bread! (in my world anyway).

a calmer more composed me

I took four days off last week, and I've just come 'back' to my desk to face my PhD again. I'm now behind with my literature review schedule and I haven't done any writing for about 10 days.
Time and distance often gives you the space to reflect and gain perspective and I think my time 'away' has offered me some perspective. This process is a hard one and you have to be able to get up in the face of adversity and continue on (I guess, in general, this could be said about life too). However, I sometimes think I might just be missing this point - that the Phd is hard and that I have to pick myself up after a hard knock and move on. I have to grow some 'hair on my teeth' - and yes, I've been told this before, and I listened and thought I took it on - but hey - maybe not where it mattered.

So now, onward - always onward even if it's onward into the wilderness. I'm enjoying the Olympics - can't seem to get enough of it - probably because it's everywhere. Strangly, I'm starting to understand, in a new way, when atletes cry on the winners' podium or when they cry when they've been defeated. I can empathise with that deep emotional 'something' that just comes from, seemingly nowhere, but is so profoundly connected to, and representive of, all that you are - and yet you seem unable to control it. Hey ho! this is learning for you!

Herne Bay on Monday - the Kent coast

constructing narratives

I'm thinking about the stories I've been telling about my PhD experience. I'm wondering how these stories came to be constructed in the way that they are and wherein lies the truth - is there a truth? When confronted by these kinds of questions I see my academic 'breeding' (for want of a better word) come through as I want to answer these questions by drawing on a theoretical framework to help me explain or answer the question.

But theoretical frameworks aside this particular puzzle has been at the heart of my reflections the past couple of days. I'm not dealing very well with the experience at the moment and I'm searching for a reason. I'm hoping a better, more 'rational' dissection of the concern will lead me to a 'solution', a way to ease my mind. Because I believe the pathway to the resolution of most (many) of our personal problems, concerns and dilemmas starts with the recognition that we can only control our view and perception of the situation. Even if the choice about how that view and perception is formulated is constrained by what is commonly thought of as 'our baggage'. I bring my baggage to any situation I have to encounter in the world and that shapes how I see it and how I choose to and am able to respond to it (I suspect LR would be example this more eloquently using Bourdieu). Be this as it may - the stories I have been telling about my experience provides a window into my view of the experience and, probably, I guess might also provide a window into how I could reconstruct my experience differently. Constructing a different story has its own possibilities and potentials especially when, as I'm starting to feel, my current narratives appear to be cloaking everything in negativity.  I don't have any answers I'm just trying to think differently...


My story I think is filled with some of the following
- bewilderment
- dislocation from the familiar
- a strong, almost stubborn resolution to hold onto my past as a representation of the good, positive that I was - so always comparing the past with present practices
- seeing myself as a 'fish out of water'
- seeing myself as not having a voice - sometimes, only sometimes I recognise that I do have a voice I just don't have one in this context
- fighting to retain my self-belief, yet being filled with self-doubt
- blaming, looking for someone, something to blame as a way of understanding, explaining
- wanting to see the silver lining in the dark cloud
- desperate to have a 'learning' experience, a positive learning experience and not wanting to give up on that possibility, ideal
- trying to accept the constraints and limitations of the situation, but failing miserably anyway
- constructing binaries, dichotomies as a defence mechanism


Stories aren't always true, they don't always reflect reality - although I'm not going to say that there are multiple realities - I don't quite believe that - reality isn't only what we see it to be, there are parts of our reality that are completely outside our control. The part of the reality that is free of these stories, that seem to have defined my experience for such a long time, is my inherent belief that I can do this thing - intellectually I can do this thing - and this is more than a self-belief  - it's a fact validated by the intellectual community that I am apart of. Unfortunately this 'fact' is blurred, fudged, distorted, twisted so that it becomes a reality that is so easy to accept and you never see it for what it is...fallacious.


I've had a rough couple of days...this is the only story I can tell about it. 

writing and writing fatigue

Before I have to do some structured writing I'm always anxious. I try and delay doing the actual writing until the very last moment, yet I know that once I start it will be ok. An important thing about writing is that in order to write you need to know what you want to say - this sounds a bit strange because I'm mixing up my literacy modes here. You can't write if you don't know what you want to write about. And when my writing is particularly poor it usually means that I didn't know what I wanted to say. Clarity in your thoughts is the sure-fire way to get clarity in your writing. It doesn't mean that you can't create that clarity over many iterations of the same piece of writing - in many respects I think that's the only way to get clarity - constantly reworking and rewriting.

I'm working on my literature review and/or conceptual framework - I sort of feel I should say literature review so most people will know what I'm talking about, even though I feel what I'm writing is an outline of the theoretical and conceptual frameworks on which my research is based. I know what general areas of discussion I want to include and I've broken down the task into sections. First I'm working on different individual sections - reading bits of literature on a particular theory/idea/concept and then writing about it - then once I have all the sections written I will weave in the connections to create the final coherent outline of my conceptual framework. This is my strategy anyway - helpful I guess when you are trying to subdivide a 10-15K piece of writing into manageable chucks. So far so good.

I decided to work on the Bernstein theory first - because I felt least comfortable with my understanding of this body of knowledge. My aim was to finish the section over the weekend and by Friday I  worked out a detailed structure of the section (fairly small +- 4000 words) with all the necessary key points I wanted to make and their corresponding references etc...Great! - until Saturday afternoon, that is, when it took me almost two hours to write a paragraph about an concept that would have a fairly subsidiary role in the overall theoretical ensemble. But I pushed on, determined not to be deterred by this minor bump in the road. Alas - Sunday and the house of cards came crashing down. Blank, I was completely blank. I knew what I wanted to write I just couldn't write it - there was a missing link that I just couldn't find and it because of the gap I couldn't move on. Again I pushed on - I went to work and sat with my outline and tried to write paragraphs, then sentences, then bullet lists to articulate my understanding of a particularly useful conceptualisation of knowledge in the curriculum. But nothing worked - I knew what I wanted to say, what I needed to say, I knew what the scholars said about it but that's where it stopped. Now in my ideal world this would be the time when I go talk to someone about my problem and why I think I'm experiencing this problem and I would probably want to talk about the body of knowledge I'm finding difficulty writing about. And then I would try again, hopefully with some new insights and ideas to guide me. 

Not living in this ideal world though, I wonder if this experience is simply telling me that maybe I'm just a bit tired - maybe its a sign of writing fatigue - unfortunately I don't have the luxury to entertain this idea too long but I've decided to take a little break from Bernstein anyway - give 'him' a week or two and then apply myself to it once more. 'A change is as good as a holiday' as my mother would often say.

chocolate addiction to calm the nerves

I can't seem to stop eating chocolate. I wish I could say that all I'm eating is dark chocolate - but it's not to be. Any freaking chocolate will do. I'm in a huge sugar craving cycle. This cycle seems to be coinciding with another cycle of what I can only imagine mild or mini panic attacks might feel like. I'm almost like a crazy woman - unable to control myself as my mind shifts from the articles I'm reading on Bernsteinian theorisation, to the argument my PhD thesis is trying to make, then to how Bernstein and Ac Lits link together, or whether they can indeed be put together in a research study as they are 'ontological diverse' (I don't want to say incompatible - god help me if I say that!), to how I might justify using these two 'diverse' conceptual frameworks together, and then to the logistics of my move where I am starting to imagine how all the artefacts in my room, the books on my shelf and the clothes in my cupboards will fit into boxes of certain dimensions and plan out which weekend I need to make available for packing and how this might impact on the shipping company's rules and procedures for getting my boxes on a ship destined for Cape Town, South Africa. Poor SLP has to listen to the minutiae of all my plans, counter-plans, timelines and various variables that may or may not impact on these plans.  I'm juggling all aspects of my life and eating as much chocolate as I can manage seems to be the only thing I'm just doing at the moment.

I did find some time yesterday to walk around the little village where I live. Rather pretty - I think I'll miss this even when its sans-blue skies.

being sad in my dream

I had a dream this morning that I was going back to South Africa and this made me sad. My mind has been preoccupied with this thought since I woke up. Why is it that I can only be sad about going back to SA in my dreams? In my conscious self going back to SA doesn't make me feel sad - in fact all I keep saying to everyone around me is how I can't wait to go back. But as with most things in life - this isn't simply a polarised argument of SA: good - England: Bad. I do want to go back to SA for many, many personal and emotionally laden reasons but that doesn't mean that I won't be sad about saying goodbye to this part of my life journey. Whenever something stops or comes to an end - whether one feels good or bad with the  closure - it also represents a moment, maybe a very brief moment, of mourning because one has come to the end. And I'm coming to the end of a particular part of my journey. I think to not feel some sadness about it would be to deny the friendships that I've developed, the comradery I've shared, the experiences (again good and bad) that I've had, the lessons learnt...and the TV watched (I'll definitely miss my BBC iplayer).

So taking a moment to recognise this sadness, not just in my subconscious mind, is healthy. I still want to go Home but I know going home will also unavoidably mean being sad because being here will have to come to an end. I won't be able to visit my friend Anthony in Brighton and walk on the pebbly beach for a long, long time.

Brighton beach - yesterday afternoon

another chapter drafted

I almost wrote - 'done' but of course the chapter isn't done, it's far from finished, it's merely a draft of the true self it will become in the not to distant future. I feel positive about the overall story I've told in this chapter - I feel the chapter has cohesion. The section on recontextualisation needs work but I need to fully understand the differences between a 'recontextualisation principle' and a 'recontextualisation rule' and whether I want to explain how the recontextualisation processes are showing themselves in the course context through an understanding of rule/principle or simple description. Ok this last part is a bit fuzzy, that's because it's fuzzy in my thinking too and we write what we think - so if the writing is fuzzy our thinking is fuzzy.

This version of the chapter is a like a distant cousin of the previous version. I'm almost sure that when my supervisors read it they will be pressed to find direct connections between the two versions of the chapter - there are slight traces - but nothing directly similar. I'm amazed at how far a long I've come since January/February. My lesson - analysis needs time, that's the only problem with analysis it needs time.

analysing assignment constructing in film studies

I think it's almost done, almost but not yet. It's taken me so damn long to write. My argument, for want of a better term (why does it feel wrong to call the interpretation you have developed as a result of your analysis an argument?), has been brewing in my head since I picked up the old version of this piece of analysis, completed in February, about 6 weeks ago. My main insight, about how students construct assignments in a film studies course, crystallised then - but constructing that insight into a readable, intelligent, understandable and coherent discussion has been a slow protracted exercise. I can't say how many times I've read and rewritten paragraphs of the section I worked on this week. The overall idea, insight or argument is pretty much what I expressed in a little diagram 6 weeks ago but to explain it in a coherent way...well! I don't think I could have rushed it, although I would be a lot happier tonight if the writing happened quicker. I tried to tell myself sometime today to just accept that it took as long as it did. To be content in the fact that I've been thorough and conscientious in my writing. So what if it took a bit longer, it's a better piece of writing because it took longer. I shouldn't get all evangelistic about the chapter just yet because it isn't done. Last section on the recontextualisation principles needs to be written tomorrow - and let's hope I get it written by tomorrow, because my literature review is waiting...patiently.

the start to a better week

Things are looking better today. After cleaning up my desk and room for much of Thursday it seemed that Friday held a new promise. I went to the OU in that evening and worked until 9pm and it felt productive. It's funny how with analysis work I will delay doing it for as long as I can, almost created a monster in my mind.  But when I simply sit down and work through the data as systematically as I can, then it doesn't feel as bad. It's still hard work trying to make sense of what is happening in the data, even if you have a clearly framed analysis tool (which I don't or rather which is still in development). Then working out how you want to express your interpretation, your analysis, your story of the data can be like mind gymnastics. So it can feel like it might be easier to just walk away and make the whole thing the monster lurking under the bed that you must avoid at all cost. I managed to complete the section I set out to work through over the weekend and within the time frame I allocated myself. It is starting to come together for this case and instead of a sense of wariness, there is a slight hint of excitement as I explore the data more deeply and start to carve out the story I think is interesting or useful to tell.

I still get far too distracted by all the 'things' around me and think back with nostalgia for the days when I didn't have the internet to bother me so much - but then again I would probably have found the fridge or the cleaning or the nice day outside just as wonderful a distraction. Even though I feel a lot better this week, I am now 7-10 days behind my planned schedule and I'm going to try to reduce the backlog over the next week. I need to finish the analysis of this last case by Friday because I have a literature review waiting patiently for my attention.

and the malaise continues

I don't think I've felt like this since maybe March 2009 - where life seems to be getting in the way of my studies and work. In the past irrespective what was going on in my life, more generally, would pretty much have little effect on my work. At the moment and certainly for the past two weeks, this personal malaise has taken over much of functioning. I think about my work, in fact I actually work but my productivity levels have hit an all time low.

Besides my work and the moments of clarity relating to the unfolding thesis argument developing,  there is a lot of 'other' stuff occupying my mind, not least going back to Cape Town and a number of unresolved plans and decisions that need to be made and acted on. It feels like these other issues are taking up too much space in my brain and squeezing out any productive space open for the thesis. So my days just seem to meander along but are essentially empty when I tally up the productive gains in relation to my thesis. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do...take a break, continue working, wait for it to pass? while the clock keeps ticking and the deadlines become more stretched.

580

I wrote 580 words yesterday. Yes that's all. It took me the whole freaking day to accomplish a mere 580 words. And before someone offers...well they could be quality words so the time spent on writing them was well spent - I don't care I just want to write more words a day. In any case at this stage of the writing process 'quality' is relative and also something that will be validated by someone else. Quality in this first phase is almost out of my hands.
I guess I am in analysis hell - it's like pulling teeth to get me to explain the most mundane activities, events and practices in my data. I guess it hasn't helped that I have discarded most of what I wrote about this case in January/February. But of course there are silver-lining moments too - when it all seems to make sense and I think ok these 580 words explain this process, this event, this happening in a better, more comprehensible way.

Onward I say, onward...580 words at a time

a non-writing distracting week

I was completely distracted last week. I hardly did any writing even though I really needed to make some concrete progress on an analysis chapter. I was all over the place and as the week wore on I almost surrendered to the fact that the week had been a waste. Of course I kept thinking (and feeling guilty) that I would never be able to make up this lost time. It was gone forever. But the week brought into focus how so much of what I'm doing seems to be such a deeply psychological process. It's all about the health and state of my mind, my emotional well being, my self confidence and self esteem, the degree to which I am able to be positive and think positively about myself and my space in the world. And this past week was really a battle on all these fronts.

On a brighter note - supervision was painless. We were discussing my review of the South African HE landscape. I feel the essence of the argument I'm making is still  unrefined. It needs to be sharpened and more precise - but I also know it will come, with more discussion and feedback from colleagues in SA and when I am more clear about how it fits into the overall thesis story. I now have only two supervisions and two major deadlines before I return to CT in September. There's so much ambiguity and mixed feelings in this realisation as the end of my four year sojourn is finally becoming concrete. This is a difficult one.

doesn't this make so much sense?

I just had to borrow this very important blog entry I've just read and it's so true. All I need to do now is act on it, instead of just saying...'ah yes I agree with Tanya Golash-Boza, but...you know...' And then continue to feel super guilty when I'm not working 7 days a week even when I know working 7 days a week isn't very productive. There must be some psychological term for what I'm doing to myself with this endless cycle of self-flagellation and guilt.
Actually to be a bit fair on myself I took yesterday off - t'was lovely. I got up late, went to zumba, cooked some tomatie bredie, had supper with my brother and watched some soccer. I'm working today but at a leisurely pace - took a long walk earlier when I was 'stuck' on trying to figure out how to structure a section in a chapter I'm working on and started reading another novel. There's a soccer match on in about 30 mins and I'm tackling the ironing tonight. See maybe some balance trickling in, now I just need to lose the guilty feelings ;-/

a non-writing day

I didn't write anything today. It feels so strange. I'm in an in-between period where I've just submitted a chapter and need to be working on an analysis chapter but, I'm delaying. I did lots of other semi-useful things like, photocopy chapters from a few theses that have been on my desk for at least two months, I searched for some articles and references mentioned at a seminar last week, and tried to update my profile on the OU website. All very exciting, meaningful and important - but not as important as writing. And especially analysis writing. Tomorrow will be better.

new ways of writing

I wish I could write down all my thoughts (well all the important ones) about this PhD when it's foremost in my mind. This past week I've been thinking a lot about the way in which my approach to writing has changed. I remember my part-time study days...very carefully working out the structure of an argument and then within a short period (usually over a weekend) I would furiously write up whole chapters or substantial parts thereof. I would of course be thinking about the argument I wanted to make while I was busy 'working' during the week before 'writing it up'. So the argument would coalesce over this period. Usually I would write the piece in one block period or session using notes I had constructed during a reading phase and sticking very closely to the argument structure I would have constructed and outlined. While I did edit what I wrote, the editing was minimal especially in that initial act of getting my argument down on paper.

When I think about how I write now - the first characteristic of my writing is that it is more protracted, fluid, almost unstructured, and consist of many writing sessions. The act of writing happens over many days, I consult my hand written notes, structure and then re-structure my argument usually in the form of a mind map or rough overview. But the structure is never a concrete 'thing' rather it is reformed and reshaped over many iterations as the writing progresses. There aren't any clear stages to the process any more. The degree of editing has increased tenfold and the role of editing in my writing has become crucial. Editing is almost as fundamental as that first act of writing - it plays a totally different role now. Maybe this is the crux of the many problems I have with writing these days - i.e. how I want to produce the 'perfect' piece in the first version which suggests to me anyway, that I'm still clinging onto the role I assigned to editing in my 'previous' academic writing life. When I first started to write like this it freaked me out completely and in many ways it still does. It's very unsettling and I look back nostalgically to those glory days when writing was a exhilaration activity and gave me and my arguments a voice. But try as I might I cant seem to rekindle this past way of writing and I'm stuck, uncomfortably in this new way of writing.

So why the change?

I think studying full time is one reason. Writing is what I have to do on an almost daily basis so I can spend more time on it. Also because I have to conserve my energy to write every day it is harder to concentrate for longer periods when I do sit down to write. The changing role of editing in my writing I would ascribe to the changing perception of what counts as a 'draft'. In the old days my 'polished piece' would probably be my contemporary 'draft' - so my practice of writing has had to adjust and change to meet these new expectations (dare I say standards?) - which have also resulted in the added anxieties that have come to be associated with writing. I can't discount the fact that currently I am writing in an abstracted vacuum - my arguments and theorisations are devoid of practical implication, they aren't ignited by something that happened in the classroom, or something a colleague said, or a serious discussion about whatever issue I'm thinking about with a mentor or friend. Everything has to come from inside my head - well of course it always came from that 'place', but it's just different. Then of course I'm now living in the age of distractions with the internet only a click away - this creates a rather fragmented context within which to negotiate the structure needed to write. The reasons are complex and multifaceted and I don't think there is a ideal answer to the question - why the change?. For now all I can do is to make these new practices work for me as best I can.

the galaxy

I'm sitting in my room listening to the radio while working on a thesis chapter. Many Sunday evenings I'm doing the same thing, sitting in my room, working and listening to the radio. It's a cheesy radio station called Heart FM (there's similar station in Cape Town, playing similar music). But on Friday and Sunday nights it has a 80's and 90's club classics segment. Tonight the music is transporting me back to my early Galaxy days - those laughter filled, hot, steamy, smoky Friday nights with Brevin, Mark, Aloma and Kurt on the dance floor. Bliss, pure bliss and contentment. Then, I would never have imagined in a million years that sometime in the distant future I would be sitting alone somewhere in the world working on a PhD thesis.