writing, writing, writing again

I'm working on the first draft of my conceptual framework (aka - literature review) and I experienced the classic sequence of events. I avoid doing the writing for as long as I can, but once I start it's 'sort-of-ok' until, of course, I encounter the first of many stumbling blocks in the writing process. So at the moment, it's sort-of-ok! I know it's not going to be the version that makes it to the final thesis, but it's a start to that process. I spoke to someone who is working on her second thesis draft and her advice was 'don't put too much effort into it because at this stage you don't know where you're taking it and you might end up trashing large sections of work you were sweating over for weeks - the effort can come at a later stage when you are more clear of the direction you plan to take'. Good advice but in order to follow this advice, which is somewhat counter-intuitive to how I tend to work, I've really had to consciously stand back from my need to get everything right the first time. But with my deadline looming I've been forced by necessity to just go with the current version of the conceptual framework. So I'm just tying up loose-ends and making my current argument as articulate as I can. I'll have to wait for feedback and then see where it take me.

One thing that is rather prominent in my writing is it's South African flavour. I'm relying very strongly on SA researchers and scholars. Thinking about this today, as I quoted yet another SA researcher, I wondering if this was partly to make a very important point about the validity, relevance and credibility of SA research. Also I suspect that very few people here might have read the work and maybe this is another way to draw attention to and promote the depth and value of the insights presented in the work. And of course to very clearly signal my identity and allegiance. Selfishly though, I thought - well maybe I can also vicariously gain kudos through the work of my esteemed country men and women. 

passing time

I can't believe that about six weeks ago I looked ahead to this coming week thinking this would be the final week of concerted work on my PhD in the UK. Now that this week has arrived I can't believe it has come so quickly. Yes and I will never have the past six weeks back again. But life really happened in these past six weeks. Life interceded in my PhD. I think this is probably the first time during my four years in the UK that I really felt that life took the place of my PhD. It's rather strange because for all intents and purposes nothing 'dramatic' happened for life to intercede in the way it did. But it did and created a sort of psychological impasse that I hope I can bridge.

I've been working on my literature review - I feel I know so much, yet so little. I can see the fruit of my labour in the first year of my PhD. But now revisiting the core literature that is most salient for my PhD argument, I am questioning my understanding of certain theoretical concepts and how I applied it methodologically. How crazy is that. I laid in bed on Friday almost in some sort of blind panic thinking that I didn't accurately understand the concept of literacy practice. That I got it wrong. Yet my whole thesis is based on this concept. I guess in a similar way in February the realisation that I didn't accurately understand the concept of recontextualisation was also brought home to me in the most stark manner. But this, in a way, is what the literature review process is all about...helping one to gain more insight and understanding into the theoretical constructs holding up your thesis. So onward I guess.

Just over a month to go before I head back to Cape Town - yes it really is happening and I have the boxes to prove it. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. Looking forward to saying hello to my friends and family in Cape Town but equally anxious about saying goodbye to my academic family and friends here. The goodbye process started already on Friday when I said goodbye to KC;  I'm not sure I'm looking forward to all the other goodbyes that are still to come. All part of life of course - wish it were easier. The weekend has been gorgeous - the weather perfect, reminiscent of summer. I'm hoping for a productive Sunday and week ahead.

reflecting on August

In addition to 'doing' the PhD - that is the daily 'working-on' my research project and, for the past 10-11 months, trying to articulate it through the construction of a thesis, I also spend a lot of time 'reflecting' on the process - how I do what I do and how all this doing is affecting me at a personal and professional level. In many ways the genesis behind the creation of this blog. The blog attempts to give some voice to the process aspects of my PhD and my reflections of that process.

By all accounts the pass week has been positive - I'm able to demonstrate and my progress in relation to an increased word on my literature review and the number of readings I was able to get through. But paying attention to how I got to this point - being able to say that I've made some progress - I realised that I probably spend about 60% of any given day in some kind of self-motivation activity. Willing myself to work, to get out of bed, to sit at my desk, or organise my papers, to remain working, to not think about other things, to concentrate on the reading I'm doing or the writing I'm attempting, to tell myself that I can do 'this thing' (write the sentence, the paragraph, the whole thesis), that all I need do everyday is make some progress. 40% of my working time is probably spent engaged with the intellectual activity associated with my research and thesis. I've been wondering what it would be like if I could devote a full 80-100% of my mental energy just on my intellectual project. Maybe that's not realistic I suspect most people do some psychological work on themselves everyday. But for me at this moment, and I suspect it's been like this for a good while now, my PhD is been largely about psychology - convincing myself to stay on the path, especially when I encounter the bumps and rough patches.

Also this week it finally dawned on me that I haven't really accepted where I am in relation to my progress. Sure I have 'millions' of draft workplans to show and most people now know, because I've told them, that my expected submission date will be May 2013. But this week I realised that I haven't truly accepted this state of affairs - I'm still deeply disappointed, sad and angry with myself that I won't be completing my PhD within the stipulated and official time frame. It doesn't matter that very few of my peers will actually meet this deadline and that on overage most PhD students (certainly at the OU) irrespective of their discipline need anything from a 3-9 extra months to reach submission date. Internally, I haven't actually accepted my own fate and this makes me very cross with myself almost all the time - no wonder I need to spend 60% of my energy making myself feel better. Accepting where I'm at in relation to my proposed completion date is, I believe, a crucial step in gaining back my mental well being and being able to see the process through a positive lens.

So as the next week approaches I move forward trying to meet the next deadline as best as I can. In the words of  Disney and Pixar's Dory (from Finding Nemo) I've gotta 'just keep swimming'.

talking makes everything better

I've long accepted that fact that a good cup of tea makes everything better. But today my education continued when I fully understood how talking can also make everything seem and feel so much better. I've had a rough few weeks and after a particularly frustrating, non-work day yesterday (because I went to London to apply for a Schengen visa) I woke up this morning feeling rather tender. The morning itself was filled with a range of little administrative tasks that I just needed to do. The writing task I started on Sunday, and that had to be put on hold because of my trip to London, sat waiting for me on my desk - but it loomed even larger in my head where it had been stewing since I was force to set it aside.

Amidst all of this angst I just decided to call a dear friend in Cape Town. I rarely talk to her about my academic related 'stuff' but today I gave a broad overview of my perception of the academic challenges I'm currently facing. But mostly we talked about real life, my return to Cape Town, having drinks at the Radisson at the Waterfront in summer and being older and wise enough to know that even the shitty periods in one's life will actually pass. Then I had a short coffee break with a friend and colleague of mine who is preparing for her viva. We spoke about the viva process, talking English in England, living in Milton Keynes and then moving to a 'proper' English city, our perceptions of ourself during the PhD process which often tends to be more negative than the perception other people have of us. I also had a conversation with another colleague, but this time about the Mad Men series 5 and our impressions of Don, the main character, and the strategies she was employing to bring on the birth of her baby which was due in a few days time.

After all of this I managed to put in a fairly productive day of writing - making some sense of the complexity of film education. I also managed to completely pack 1 box and I started to pack another. Seems I am moving back to Cape Town. Talking...the next best thing since sliced bread! (in my world anyway).

a calmer more composed me

I took four days off last week, and I've just come 'back' to my desk to face my PhD again. I'm now behind with my literature review schedule and I haven't done any writing for about 10 days.
Time and distance often gives you the space to reflect and gain perspective and I think my time 'away' has offered me some perspective. This process is a hard one and you have to be able to get up in the face of adversity and continue on (I guess, in general, this could be said about life too). However, I sometimes think I might just be missing this point - that the Phd is hard and that I have to pick myself up after a hard knock and move on. I have to grow some 'hair on my teeth' - and yes, I've been told this before, and I listened and thought I took it on - but hey - maybe not where it mattered.

So now, onward - always onward even if it's onward into the wilderness. I'm enjoying the Olympics - can't seem to get enough of it - probably because it's everywhere. Strangly, I'm starting to understand, in a new way, when atletes cry on the winners' podium or when they cry when they've been defeated. I can empathise with that deep emotional 'something' that just comes from, seemingly nowhere, but is so profoundly connected to, and representive of, all that you are - and yet you seem unable to control it. Hey ho! this is learning for you!

Herne Bay on Monday - the Kent coast