fika in Sweden

This morning I said goodbye to my Uppsala University colleagues at the Division for Teaching and Learning. We had a fika. A slightly special, goodbye fika, but nonetheless very typically of what fika means in Sweden. Coffee and informal conversation.

This goodbye fika signals that my 'formal' time at Uppsala University has come to an end, and I'm on the 'home stretch'. Each day I get closer to the end of my sabbatical. But currently, I'm not thinking too much of my return to 'work'. I'm in a very good space - so far  the sabbatical has done what it was intended to do: Give me the chance to clear my head, try and focus on what I want to do next and of course, write, write and write. 

don't forget the peripherals

Writing peripherals. And I'm not referring simply to the multiple pens (as many different colours as you can source), pencils and miscellaneous stationery needed as part of the writing task to be completed. I'm thinking more of all the supporting processes and tasks that go alongside but are essential to completing an academic writing project. Like that pesky reference list that is never completed until, two hours before you are meant to submit the manuscript. And when it is finally compiled, it is often riddled with errors or omissions. Or organising all your data files and smaller analysis tasks into a single folder that can be readily accessible irrespective where in the world you might be writing the research.

On Friday I spent all of the morning working on the reference list for my in-progress paper. Yep - a whole morning. I'm an academic, a scholarly writer, not a freaking administrator I kept mumbling under my breath, as I realised how disorganised and incomplete my reference repository is. I'm a print-person - I love paper, so I could find the hard copies of most of my references but when I tried to compile the reference list electronically...well, all was not well on this side of Uppsala. As a PhD student, I had diligently spent most Friday's on this mundane, administrative activity. Sorting out my reference repository, and 'cleaning' up all my data and research related files. It paid off when I had to construct and produce that huge thesis document. But it would seem I've lost sight of the valuable lessons learnt. I'm thinking some of my sabbatical time should be devoted to 'cleaning-up' and organising my articles and updating my Mendeley repository. I might even set aside some time to  refine my cite-and-write skills - yes, I'm a late adopter and still not 100% convinced it the best/most practical way to produce a reference list. But I guess writers have to be good administrators too.

talking about South African higher education in Sweden

On Monday I did a little informal presentation on the South African higher education landscape and my work in academic development, with colleagues in the Division of the Development of Teaching and Learning, here at Uppsala University. Although the timing of the presentation was a bit 'off' - it could have come earlier in my stay at the unit - I was finally given a chance to reflect on the sector I work in. Also opportunistic was the fact that I'm currently preparing to scope out the chapter of the collections book I'm editing, and this requires a good placement of the ECP within the contextual realities of the South African landscape. All very simple, right?

Many of the Swedish colleagues had been to South Africa, some even to educational conferences in South Africa, so they all had a view, however that may be framed, of the country. Mostly a combination of the shiny, positive stuff and some recognition of the more challenging bridges yet to be crossed (especially from those who went to conference in SA). Two questions I got asked made me think about the angle I had taken for my presentation. I was asked "How would one know you were White in SA under apartheid?" and "What about gender and disability, how are these reflected in student/staff profiles?" Are we as South African's obsessed with race? Is it the only lens we use to see ourselves and what and how we encounter the world around us? Did my presentation really harp on race as the all important factor shaping and driving the sector and the work many of us pride ourselves on doing?

It didnt help that the night before I was particularly aggravated by the inane but unashamedly racist mutterings of my CT neighbours in the 'whatsapp security group'. I lashed out, calling out 'their' inherent racialised beliefs that always linked 'blacks' to crime and their totally self-imposed removal from the realities of South Africa. Rather I should say - their efforts to recreate in a by-gone era where their neighbourhoods really were lily-white - without the slightest recognition that to achieve that status quo meant the denigration by force and law, of anyone who didnt look like them. So I was angry!

My race politics and the shape it takes, has little place in Sweden, and it had little place in the UK, while I lived there. It is uniquely South African. I know I also get irritated by 'the angry black 'x' or 'y' types' I encounter at work or via social media. I know I don't only see race and I know both black and white people can be 'despots' or 'humanitarians'. But I also feel the anger, the collective anger of being on the receiving end of racism in all its shapes and forms. Maybe our society in SA and world at large needs to change before I can take race completely out of the picture.

hitting a writing milestone

I can relax now that I've passed on draft 0 of my developing journal article. It's now with my co-author and its amazing how the relief of reaching this kind of writing milestone makes itself present in your body, your mind. Last week was particularly tense. I was struggling to articulate my thoughts in writing, while also grappling with the theoretical concepts central to my argument. I was behind schedule and the self-critic inside me was having a wonderful time. And spring was showing itself in all its glory, which coupled with some more public holidays just before the weekend (yes I'm very sure Sweden has more public holidays than South Africa!) pushed my anxiety levels beyond the 'productive' level those 'motivational gurus' always seem to be making such a hoopla about. Self-imposed anxiety derived primarily from one's own highly critical view of your ability to do something is not a pleasant state.

Looking out at Spring from Blåsenhus. The castle completely obscured.

Nevertheless, onward I plodded, through the beautiful, sunny-weathered weekend. The draft is incomplete, in need for some serious editing and refinement, but I'm happy its done and ready for the next phase of writing development. Two unique and different things about the writing process this time around have come to mind 1) the writing felt lighter, I was able to put aside my 'internal editor' and just write - I fully accepted that the editor role would come at some point in the future, but that consciously putting it aside at this beginning stage was in some respects rather liberating. 2) writing collaboratively is such a gift; you know there is someone you can lean on, someone who shares the burden and someone rallying for you to be successful in the terms you define. Even though this is only the second collaborative writing project I've been involved with, I've been lucky with my co-authors. My writing has benefited from the positive energy and spirit they have infused in the process, whether they know it or not.

making meaning of 'sabbatical'

I've been in Sweden for a month and I'm starting to wonder more seriously about what it means to be on sabbatical. As part of my leave application I had to list all the expected outcomes for this period. They were all written artefacts - publications in accredited journals, editorial activities for the edited collection I'm working on. All writing tasks. So it would seem my sabbatical is all about writing. But what about just reading (anything), just thinking, just walking, just doing 'stuff' I wouldnt normally do back at my desk, in Cape Town? How do these activities fit into my sabbatical plan?

I've been writing, making slow, but I would also say, stead progress on that highly prized 'journal publication'. Most mornings I get up around 7 and I'm at my desk at Blåsenhus or the sunny dinning-room table at the flat by around 9:30am. I have that same anxiety and then guilt that I had for much of my PhD about not writing enough, not writing fast enough, not doing more. On Thursday a colleague back home said to me jokingly, when I mentioned I had a hard, long day, 'Are you working? Aren't you on sabbatical?' Made me think! In no time I will have been here for two, three months and all I will have to show are those written (incomplete?) artefacts. My neck and shoulders will still be rock-hard and sore, my body will continue to be stiff and inflexible, the sadness, worry and displacement I've been feeling for months before arriving in Uppsala will still be warmly nestled in my being.  I will also berate myself for my inability to calmly respond to the workplace stress that will surely greet me on my return.

So what is this sabbatical about then? Yes it's about writing - it's about finding the joy, and not only fixating on the terror, and weight of writing. But it's mostly about me, Lynn, the academic writer, the academic and teacher. It's about valuing and accepting how I am as an academic writer, how I write academically, what kind of academic writing I do and why I write the 'stuff' I do. It's also about me, Lynn. Just me, Lynn.