final supervision?

I had what was probably my final supervision meeting yesterday. Just over 90 minutes discussing the final changes to my thesis. No pomp and ceremony, just a normal discussion about not calling my analysis approach an 'analytical framework', what to do with the evolving research questions, critiquing the notion of research questions in ethnographic and interpretive research, not using the word interpretative as apparently it doesn't exist (see previous term), my use of some dodgy in-text referencing formats, rewriting the abstract, removing some illustrative diagrams as they cause confusion and a whole series of signposting and editorial 'concerns'.

So this is it! I need to submit three chapters for a re-read within about 10 days time, have my data chapters re-read by a colleague for clarity and signposting, attend to all the editorial and formatting issues with a proper proofreading and then 'Bob's your uncle' I'm submitting, as planned in early August. It hasn't sunk in yet, evidenced by my inability to sleep last night. Maybe this thesis will go gently into the night after all. I guess its only fitting after so many, many months of upheaval.

the insignificant in the face of the significant

I can't escape the strange way that the world and life works. Nelson Mandela appears to be slowing going into the night - close to no longer suffering; bearing the burden of physical frailty and the responsibility for meaning and being so much to our new but equally frail democracy. This is the significant news. And while I thought I was slowly building up my resistance through all his health scares and hospitalisations, the latest news on his condition has forced me to admit and remind myself that you can't build up your resistance to death.

The insignificance of the feedback I've started to receive on my thesis has been accentuated amidst the creeping recognition that this significant person will not be with for us much longer.

My worries and anxieties about the nature of the feedback I would receive was somewhat unfounded. I have been asked to consider and focus on refinements, detail and clarity. The overall argument and the bulk of what I have done is generally okay - but I need to zoom in and resolve inconsistencies in the detail of the narrative and arguments. Some areas will require rewriting, rethinking and reformulating to clear confusion and make for a pleasant reading experience. From where I'm standing at the moment I think I am on track to submit, as planned, within six weeks. Maybe I'm slightly optimistic but it might not be a rushed six weeks - but should allow me the time to ponder and reassess in a fairly slow and measured manner - the way I like to think and write. It hasn't all sunk in just yet - that finally, I too am taking my thesis slowing into the night.

time to step back

Initially, when I first knew there would be a three week 'break' between the submission of my full draft and  feedback from my supervisors I was a bit frustrated. Three weeks of free time or rather three weeks of wasted time, I thought. But as I approach the final days of this three week period my views have shifted. I'm realising the value and opportunity this free period has provided, especially for two particular aspects relating to the thesis itself and the PhD process.

Firstly, stepping back has given me perspective on the arguments and claims made in the thesis and how I've expressed it. Reading over some of the key chapters in my thesis over these past three weeks I am starting to see where I could have taken the argument and possibly why I didn't. Of course I also see the gaps, I'm always seeing the gaps. I can also see the value of expressing the claims and arguments in a sharper more coherent fashion. I've been tweaking my prose here and there, but this has in some cases resulted in additional words which my thesis can't accommodate at the moment. A really significant realisation I've made is that how the arguments are expressed in the thesis is contextually-tied to the thesis itself. As I've tried to 'take out' these arguments for use elsewhere, like for the SRHE conference in December, I can see how they need different kinds of 'mediation'. Here the value, significance and importance of presenting one's work to the field and audiences outside the field have struck me. Especially when taking my work outside my field I feel I needed to develop a more robust articulation of my core arguments. But for me this is really valuable in helping to reclaim the practical value of the thesis. It's a way of bringing the four years of intellectual work down to earth.

Secondly, because of this 'time away' from the thesis and the intensity of the PhD process itself, I'm starting to see the PhD process differently, especially the PhD relationships. I think this can only be because of the distance that has been created and maybe, on a minor note, a reflection on the stage I'm at in the process itself. Towards the end you see things very differently to the views you had as you were setting out or when you were smack-bang in the middle of it all. For me, in order to engage in any critical reflection of the process, the people, the relationships, I need some dislocation from the immediacy of the experience - which this three weeks provided. I've been given the permission to see my own experience differently and I think I have gained insights into the actions and behaviours of the 'others' in this very personal and in many ways intellectually intimate relationship. I haven't forgotten those dark days and the conflict and confusion I felt, but now I can step outside of those experiences to try to understand them differently. Understand the people involved in those experiences differently. People always talk about how the PhD changes you forever, and I think before I decided to embark on the process I was most worried about the nature of the changes that would affect me. I see now how much I've changed (maybe I'll have to devote another blog post to reflecting on these changes) in ways I could never have predicted.

Now, I wait for the feedback and wonder where it will take me. So yeah, as obvious as it sounds, this time next week will be a very different time and place. In this moment I am happy to just take on that realisation, its the best I can do?

what to do when waiting

I'm waiting on feedback on my first full draft submission. So what to do during this time of waiting? I must admit that all my fantasizing about sitting in bed watching TV, catching up on fiction reading and other such frivolous past-times didn't really materialized as I imagined. After day three I started to mildly obsess about the fact that I wasn't doing any work on my thesis - work being all the little mistakes and omissions I had picked up and wanted to look at during this period of waiting. But it was harder to get back into the swing of things. Now, well into the second week of waiting and I feel rather undisciplined because I'm not working full days and keep making mental notes of all the reading and bibliography cleaning up I should be doing.

My back hurts like hell each time I sit down at my desk for more than an hour. But, it's lovely to step back from my thesis and just allow thoughts about it to come and go freely through my mind. I fluctuate between thinking that I did an ok job with the thesis to absolutely hating what I wrote. Stepping back allows for perspective and I'm grateful I have some time to allow perspective to work it's magic.

the draft has landed

Just uploaded the first full draft of the thesis to the shared dropbox folder. I feel flat, there are too many 'problems' with it, things I just couldn't sort out. Oh well, I say to myself, shrugging my shoulders. So be it!

Now for a few days 'off'. Sleeping late, watching way too much TV, catching up on chores put aside until the draft was in, drinking more red wine than I should. Then, back to the thesis and the list of 'troubles' that need sorting out.