The benefits of recording your supervision meetings

I've decided to share some helpful pearls of wisdom gained as a result of the PhD experience. What a difference this is to my usual lamenting, no questioning, of why I chose to put myself through this experience in the first place. So this is a positive, enlightening and mildly useful blog about why a PhD student will find benefit in recording their supervision sessions. The benefits aren't obvious at first. In fact the first thing that hits you is that you will have to set aside time to listen to the recording again. So if you had a 2 hour meeting (like mine typically are) you need to accommodate at least 3 hours to listen to the recording and make rough notes. If it's been a particular complex session where you discussed theory or where your writing was dissected - you might need at least double your original meeting time to go through the recording. Also if in the meeting everything you said or wrote gets ripped to shreds it's not a very comforting thought, that when you listen to the recording you will actually be forcing yourself to relive the experience. So when faced with these initial realisation - why the hell would you want to do it?

Well for me it's simple - during supervision you can concentrate on following the discussion you are having with your supervisors and focus all your attention on responding to what they are saying, rather than trying to divide up your time on capturing the discussion and attending to your responses to their questions. You get an accurate record of really useful comments, phrases, insights etc...that your supervisors have on a range of issues - from their interpretation or critique of a particular bit of theory, their summary of what they think you are saying in a written piece you've given them to review, to dates for the next meeting or instructions or tasks they expect you to complete. But beyond these almost obvious, implied benefits associated with recording of your meetings - listening to the recording also means you have a chance to gain perspective on what they have said, your responses and how you might have felt about the meeting. Often I've left a meeting feeling completely deflated by the experience and listening to the recording helped me to put those feelings into perspective. It's almost like a de-briefing space where I can almost set aside my emotional responses and cut directly through to the content of the discussion. I'm then able to see with more clarity the different layers of the interaction, I see where I made good points and also see how my supervisors might have been trying to help me get to a particular conclusion or where they actually praise, validate and affirm me and my work. Of course sometimes the crap said and expressed gets rubbed in your face directly - but in the grand scheme of things, I think that's useful too - it's about getting to know your supervisors, the nature of this crazy, sometimes unexplainable process (game?), know yourself and anticipate how to respond to similar situations the next time around. I've been doing this since 1st year so it's really just become part of my practice as a PhD student, I almost can't see doing my meetings another way.

writing, writing, writing

I have a deadline for Monday, I need to write a draft for a very small book chapter. I started working on this piece in Cape Town but have struggled to pull it all together. I always imagined writing for publication meant you already did the analysis and theoretical work and were then simply reworking your 'work' to match the prescriptions of the publication. Not so in this case - I'm doing an all-in-one jobby, I suspect this is a recipe for disaster! Well it certainly has meant that my writing is slow, slow, slow. I spent the whole of yesterday trying to write one paragraph and failed. But I thought fuck it, just persevere...remember a PhD is all about tenacity...So instead of having a relaxing Friday night reflecting on my recent return to the UK or just emptying my mind with some mindless TV I sat at my desk and worked on my writing. Perseverance paid off! At least last night. It started to come together. Taking on board the process approach to writing and the motivating messages and tips from Tanya Golosh-Boza....is possibly the way to go for me. Keep at it, sit down and write even if it's just 30 minutes at a time. Today has been productive too, slightly too slow for my liking, but moving forward nonetheless. A positive start to my writing weekend.

a bit tender

I'm back at my desk at the OU, almost back in the 'swing' of things, but still a bit tender about leaving the comfort, security and support of Cape Town and all it offers. Unfortunately that is just the reality - Cape Town represents all of those things for me and when I leave, it takes me a while to adjust and get used to my new environment. I'm glad to be back in the UK though, it is my home even if it's only home with a small 'h'. But I have my own space here - my work space and my home space - they too are stable and secure in their own little ways and when I come to Cape Town (or go to Sweden) I have forego those comforts too and make the necessary adjustments.

Beautiful tulips from my landlady
awaiting me on Monday night

I've given myself until tomorrow, Friday, to adjust to being back. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it within the boundaries and parameters of this context no matter how painful or uncomfortable it might be. I've been forced to stare some hard cold truths in the face this week - not really conducive when you are feeling as tender as I am - but as is often the case with 'cold truths' they don't wait until you are all comfortable and secure to unleash their message on you. Well at least I was open to seeing them - I can at least give myself credit for that.








So the cold truths are...
- this PhD experience has not met my expectations for a range of reasons and on a number of levels (all probably well documented in this blog)
- I can't make the experience fit my expectations - I think I've tried but it's not working and the more energy I put into making it fit the more frustrated (and at times depressed) I get
- I somehow need to balance these competing forces - my expectations with the reality of the experience and keeping a positive outlook on the whole thing can only help

Spring is coming say the snowdrops
 I encountered on my way to work
this morning.

 I've previously mentioned that doing a PhD is all about tenacity - being able to stick with your project until the end irrespective of the depressing and disappointing lows and the few and far between positive, affirming and acknowleding highs. But I think another personality traits seems to be equally important - confidence - being 300% confident in yourself, your ability, your tenacity, your story and the need to tell it. Someone said to me that I need to toughen up, and I guess they are right in a way. Take it on the cheek and move on. Just freaking move on.
So it's not what I wanted it to be, not by a freaking long shot, but this is probably as good as it is going to get, so I need to just accept this fact and just relax into it. But I'm conscious that I need to build my confidence and through that toughen my skin - after all I'm a African! I have the resilence of ancestors running in my blood, ancestors who survived the onslaught of countless colonisers, pilliages and thieves yet retained, for the most part, their dignity, respect, self-assurance, confidence and will to survive, asserting their self-determination to be treated as equals and confident of their rightful place in the world.

Why I needed to be in Cape Town

I'm making progress, I've made progress while in Cape Town - I can see it now. The little pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Last week in particular was crucial for the convergence of my ideas into the beginnings of a story. The basis of a framework for using my data in a productive way to develop the story I want to tell is starting to appear, and I'm feeling more confident about the value of what is emerging


So the initial uncertainty about the timing of my trip to Cape Town was proven unfounded. To me this 'process' of having ones doubts dispelled is a true reflection on how life is - things usually work out in the end (although possibly not how you want or expect) even though it makes no sense or is deeply uncomfortable and painful in the beginning. I was meant to come to Cape Town, I knew I needed to come to Cape Town, I knew why I needed to come to Cape Town... even though not exactly in the same ways I anticipated or in the very ways I expected, in August 2011, when I booked my flights, but it has come together anyway. Different specifics, but same outcome...you can't get lost in Cape Town, you'll always find you way to where you need to be.

fatigue and the last of everything

That's me I'm so freaking tired in my body and in my mind. I've been working practically everyday, every, single, day since I arrived in Cape Town. I generally don't take a break on the weekends and spend anything from 3-6 hours working - Saturday or Sunday. I definitely can't sustain it. I kid myself saying that 'Oh in Cape Town I have a better work-life balance' when in fact the breaks I take simply make me feel more guilt about the breaks I take. But I think I need to take at least one day off a week. A day where I do sweet fanny all related to my PhD. Watch TV, spend guilt free time with my family and friends, read a book, do something just for me.

Next week this time I will be over plains of Africa on my way back to the North. So from today everything will be the last - my last Monday, my last Tuesday, my last time walking on this beach, my last time visiting this friend etc...well last time for the next seven months anyway! How did it get to this point so quickly? Now all the  preparations to go back need to kick-in and kick-in FAST! and this will be accompanied by all the resistance to the preparations. Human nature...lordly lord!

But there is still a lot of work to do, two meetings to attend to with research participants and a draft book chapter to create and all this fatigue and making sure that the last experience is a lasting, quality one will certainly make keeping the work in focus a challenge!

support

I'm very conscious that I have just 11 days left in the mother city before my return to the cold north (read into my word choice what you like). I would like to say that I can't believe time has passed so quickly, but I can believe it. I knew this would be the case when I landed just after 6am on that bright Saturday morning in January. Time would pass quickly, I wouldn't get to do everything I set out to do, I wouldn't get to see everyone I wanted to see or spend the amount of time with everyone I expected or wanted to. This is just how it is. I think I could stay for six months and at the end of that period I would leave and express similar sentiments - well maybe this is a slight exaggeration. But reflecting on my visit I think one sentiment shines through...support. I've been offered and received such unconditional support in both the academic-work and personal spheres of my life. It's beyond expressing my appreciation because in some ways I feel simply saying thank you doesn't go far enough to capture how taken up I've been with the level of generosity shown towards me. While I don't want to give either kind of support more status than the other, as this is where I talk about my PhD journey, I feel I can say more about the kind of advice, guidance and time people have given me, in the most generous ways, to explore and untangle issues related to my academic work. Before I left for the UK I almost expected this kind of generosity or maybe I was just so used to receiving it. It was just how it was - if you asked, most times people offered their support almost unconditionally. But over the past three years my perceptions and experience of what support means has shifted. Asking for support these days is always preceded by considerations of the impact of that request on the other person and an awkwardness associated of having to draw another person into a task or activity that is essentially seen as a purely individual pursuit. When I went to the UK I saw my academic work, my thinking always strongly guided  by the shared, the communal - it wasn't a purely individual pursuit - my decisions were always shared; 'My supervisor and I come to this conclusion' it was never 'I decided to do x' - it was part of the social practice I associated with academic and intellectual work. But that has certainly shifted and I think this is what I'm trying to articulate in this story - four years ago I might not have battered an eyelid when shown the same amount of generosity and support. But today I fully recognise and appreciate it, because I've experienced different conventions and values associated with academic support.

And the point is...well simple, really; from a support stance - it's been a good visit, a productive visit, a visit filled with learning and seeing things differently. I'm a lucky fish, no doubt about that.

A good start to a flat and disappointing day

I think today pretty much epitomises the type of week I’ve had. It started off well, fell sharply in the middle and then continued its downward spiral. But let’s focus on the day and see if I manage to draw parallels with the week.

I got up really early this morning and by 8am I was walking along the False Bay coast from Muizenberg to St James. It was overcast for much of the time that I was walking alongside the ocean and the sea looked all grey, dirty but calm. I just loved the smell of the ocean, and listening to the crashing of the waves while being able to marvel at the crevasses and textures of the mountains literally on the other side of the road. Cape Town – the wonder and diversity of this city just astounds me each time I stop to take in its natural beauty.

On the way to St James along the road

At St James beach heading back to Muizenberg along the coastal walk-way

By 9:10am I was back at my make-shift desk working on a presentation I was scheduled to make at 2:30pm. I was pretty distracted yesterday, so today I was determined to focus, focus, focus and not concede to the endless urges to click on links that would take me away from my work. I planned to do some participant validation activities in my research sites while in Cape Town and today I had my first such event. In retrospect I’m starting understanding that the first time you present any of your work, invariably is an unsettling experience. You don’t quite feel comfortable with the interpretations you’re making or the argument you’re constructing or how you’re sequencing and structuring the logic of the points your want to make. Add this to a mixture of participants who are exhausted by the heat and a sauna-like venue to present in, and the outcome is probably self-explanatory. I was literally drenched in my t-shirt while trying to present a calm and professional demeanour as I painfully moved through the 30 slides. One of the first lessons I learnt as a teacher and facilitator was to pay attention to my students and participants, sensing if things weren’t going well for them and then to respond in a flexible and adaptive manner. Well I could see things weren’t going well, but felt duty bound to present my complete analysis i.e. all 30 slides, and didn’t feel comfortable skipping bits here and there. So the only flexibility I was able to suggest came right at the end of the presentation when I suggested we arrange another meeting to talk through their impressions and where I could get some clarity on some questions I had. It was just such a disappointing turn of events – of course no one was to blame; I just wish somehow it could have turned out better. I guess I expected more, I wanted more to come from the engagement, I want some vindication, some affirmation to balance out the experience I had last week. I just wanted something better, positive, light – a sign that all of this makes sense, that it’s going somewhere, somewhere good...Maybe this sign is still in the making, under construction and I have to be patient.

Tomorrow I start re-working the analysis piece I submitted to my supervisors for comment almost three weeks ago. I’ve asked them to stop reading and expect to produce a new and improved version by Friday. I’ve also decided to leave the safety of my make-shift desk and venture out to a public platform to work. Since I’ve arrived in Cape Town I’ve been working in solitary confinement at my various make-shift desks. Tomorrow I’m going to break this pattern in the hope that it opens up the opportunity to see things differently, that my work, my insights are somehow rejuvenated. I need a fresh look at things, I need an injection of new energy to drive me forward...lets open this offers me exactly what I need. 

The post-mortem

The presentation I've been working on for roughly two weeks happened today. It's the first presentation I've done on my PhD work so understandably I was a bit apprehensive, nervous and very unsure. I just didn't feel comfortable in my skin - all the reassurances I kept giving myself, all the preparations didn't seem to help me settle into the presentation. Normally I feel slightly nervous just before I present and then just settle into it and I'm away. But today I felt uneasy for most of the 30 minutes it took me to deliver the presentation. And then the questions...well this is always the tricky thing right? Invariably people in the audience see your research through their eyes, their theoretical heroes and heroines or their analytical frameworks. Somehow this all seem applicable to YOUR research and how can you possibly not see its significance, its value. Fair enough, but freaking disconcerting when you are just about trying to figure out what the hell you want to say and then have to defend your position in light of some or other theoretical idea you may or may not have any clue about.

This little bug bear aside, while I was a bit disappointed with my own 'performance', an issue that has been troubling me for a while, I can see the positives, the benefits of having done the presentation

1) I can't just presentation this topic as a stand alone - I have to locate the aspect of scamping into the wider processes of how assignments get produced in the course
2) It might be valuable to compare it with how similar processes i.e. coming up with ideas, arguments etc..  are facilitated in other educational contexts e.g. when students are given an essay assignment to write, it is fairly rare that they will be asked to engage in a process where they make their position on the topic public in draft form, get feedback on this and use that feedback to improve the final submission
3) Scamping is more that just making your ideas visible through drawings, it's about how the conceptualisation process is facilitated and supported pedagogically
4) I really need to get a grip on the Bernsteinian stuff - what it is, how I want to use it and my defence of that use - otherwise I will be crucified by the staunch followers of the man...and that will not be a pretty sight!

So I'm a little disheartened that it didn't go better, but it could have been a lot worse. I got challenging feedback that will push me forward and I got really positive, reassuring feedback too - validating my sense and interpretation of the practices in the context (and my performance too). It probably wasn't as bad as I experienced it to be. Thank goodness I don't always listen to myself 100% of the time.