a little brighter

My last post was rather pessimistic, maybe downright depressing. I felt rather trapped by having to express myself in writing and not having the 'write' words (an initial typo, but somehow, intuitively feels appropriate) . I'm not so sure that I've shifted from this position but writing my fieldnotes this past week felt more fluid. I guess the writing process is influenced by so many 'things' including your mood and personal attachment / detachment from the subject matter. Fieldwork, especially this week, continues to uplift and inspire me - but this doesn't mean that it's an easy or comfortable experience. Maybe this statement is a bit contradictory - how can something inspiring be uncomfortable all at the same time? Its uncomfortable in the short-term because being in a space trying to understand and make sense of it, is such an overwhelming, even destabilising experience. Yet I am able to see the long term prospects of documenting, critiquing and hopefully understanding the dynamic, resourceful and bright trajectories being created in this learning environment. It's almost infectious - wanting to know more and dig below the surface - paint a picture and then unpack and critique it, all the while being very aware of the personal lives that are infused in the make-up of the picture.

So its been a positive week for me - more concrete patterns are appearing, more defined lines and less smudging. I've decided to focus more on specific literacy events - like particular assignments and students' perceptions of doing them - and moving away from general classroom observations. This is a bit bitter-sweet decision because through the classroom observations I build rapport and interpersonal connections with students - I establish my presence but also see them as they explore and develop in their educational context which gives me the ultimate buzz; re-establishing and reinforcing my connection to my teacher identity.

can't write

I can’t write anymore – I can’t find the words to describe the world I’m seeing in my research site. I can’t find the words to capture the main points raised in the supervision meeting I had a week ago. Writing fieldnotes feel like torture as I struggle to write simple but accurate descriptions of events that have taken place in the classes I participate in. I can’t seem to write any that feels vaguely intelligent at the moment. Where have all the words gone? Did I have them one day and then lose them the next? I’m also feeling so distracted, too many thoughts racing through my head but none coherent, rational, logical – I imagine it’s like musicians tuning their instruments before a gig – all these strange competing sounds fighting to be heard over each other, all disconnected noise.

I’m not sure how to move on from this stage – sit in front of a blank computer screen, willing myself to write words on the page? Telling myself I’m not allowed to go to bed until I have written the fieldnotes for the day? Sit it out I guess? Just wait until the words return? How can I claim my identity as a researcher, a PhD student - if I can’t write?

the heat is on

Goodness its hot in Cape Town - yes the heat wave continues to reek havoc on my levels of productivity. I finally submitted a rather 'rough' (to put it mildly) draft to the French publication people today. I really wasn't happy with the manuscript and felt it just didn't come together in the way I would have hoped. I needed more time to think about what I really wanted to say. But more importantly I need more enthusiasm and drive to get me to find the time to think about the things I really wanted to say about that piece of research. I feel it is a patchwork paper - bits and pieces of this and that neatly (well maybe not so neatly) stitched together. Well the reviewers will probably pick out all these concerns/discontinuities and send it right back to me for revision. So the problems haven't really gone away - I've just bought myself some time before I will really have to deal with it. But maybe that's ok for now. I really need to get into the proper head space for my fieldwork. Time is ticking away and it ain't coming back.

the buzz that is south africa

What a thought provoking day. I was challenged today to confront the essence of what makes me a black South African from the Cape Flats. And I was inspired by the dynamic, energetic, enthusiastic, critical, thoughtful, reflective, young people who want to contribute to their country and make it a better place.

I've just spent the past 2 hours trying to capture the events of the day - events that took me through a whole range of emotions, both positive and negative and that threatened to conjure up the full spectrum of the most counter-productive stereotypes held in the South African psyche. I resisted (I'd like to think I did anyway!). I've been forced to confront my dual roles in the research context - as insider and outsider - and powerfully realise that I cannot exclude my history from how I see, engage and represent the research context and myself in that context. To borrow from Lynn Mario de Souza - my history is a fundamental part of the context. How can I possibly try to exclude it from my position as researcher?

I'm sitting here reflecting on the day, revelling in the energy and buzz that makes this place what it is. The contradictions that define our daily lives, our journey to find meaning and to make sense of what is happening in our country and why we act, behave and think the way we do and to find that bits of common ground that join us together, sometimes, irrespective of race or belief. 

I met some of my ex-students in Long Street for drinks,which was the perfect antidote to the day. I sat there most of the time just smiling - looking at some more young people being all they can be in this country, although acutely conscious of quirky features that defines our society's ways of being. It's at time like this that everything honourable about being a teacher just make sense to me and just makes me smile with a serious sense of pride.

fieldwork in the Cape summer

I've seriously forgotten how hot it can be here in Cape Town - maybe it not the heat, maybe it more to do with moving around in that heat and of course the lack of air conditioning while moving around in that heat. The office where I work has sans air con - that's practically amounts to inhuman working conditions - I say that in a cheeky kind of Euro-centric tone, my newly acquired European sensibilities are starting to frame my impressions of Cape Town it would seem.

I'm finding that by 3pm I'm completely out of it - I cant think, I need to shower, I need to sleep...I cant seem to function for a full day - in one go that is. So I'm working at night, well I have no choice I need to catch up on the time I'm missing showering and sleeping in the afternoons. Was my life really like this before I left for England? Well I was working in a different office (which I saw today, actually, same pictures I put up still on the noticeboards, how really weird is that?) and I dealt with the heat differently then, and lets not forget I was living in a different home - big big difference. I've been pining, totally pining for my old flat recently - everything was 'better' and 'brighter' in Kenilworth - goodness I miss it so so much.

Fieldwork is still happening and still exciting and I'm grateful that I'm not an anthropologist because my fieldnotes activities and fieldwork disposition really leave much to be desired. I'm constantly evaluating my own performance in the field - mostly picking up all my mistakes and lack of gusto - to ask particular questions, to unashamedly take those photos, failing to remember verbatim some poignant point someone made, to write beautifully accurate yet descriptive fieldnotes...and the list goes on. So I'm grateful I don't see myself as that lone ethnographer painstakingly trying to capture the 'reality' of some community's lived experience. At times like these I am also grateful I'm the novice - so I'm allowed to make the mistakes and not do it RIGHT (whatever that means).

But having done my English inspired whinge I'm couldn't be happier to be in Cape Town in the blissful summer heat, sweating like a pig, doing a less than perfect job of fully capturing the lived experiences of students and staff in my research site and revelling in the fact that I'm a novice researcher.

whooooosh days

I feel like the broadband speed Trevor Noah so beautifully advertisers - the periods of the day all blend into one as I wish I could be in England simply to have an extra two hours per day to fit in all the 'stuff' I need to do. I never seem to have enough time to write my fieldnotes. And I constantly feel as if my fieldnotes are hopeless inadequate in the depth and breath of their descriptions. I'm using written notes while in class, but last night I decided I would capture my analytical memo's (see Hammersley and Atkinson, 2007) using my computer. I can write these faster on computer anyway and at the moment I feel I need to get down as much of what I remember as soon as possible, before I forget and just in case that one 'bit' of info becomes a crucial piece of insight about my research site.

I submitted my article last night - and what a nail biting experience that was - I kept thinking I had misspelt something  or uploaded the wrong file, did the word count incorrectly, had missing references in my bibliography. Writing what a gloriously soul searching (maybe even destroying), upheavaling, nerve  wreaking, energy depleting and draining experience. Sorry I can only focus on the challenging aspects of the process today. Of course it has its positive and uplifting moments and experiences - but that's not what I want to focus on today. I could easily have sat another couple of days refining and reworking sentences and paragraphs - but hey it was taking up too much of my time and I had to let it go into the world.

And so onward to many more whooosh-like days