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Friday 27 September 2013

writing again

I'm trying to pull together a rough draft of a chapter I'm co-authoring with one of my supervisors. Once again I'm thrust into that strange happy-depressed placed. I'm excited about the opportunity to talk about my research, put forward my ideas and find ways of telling my story. But in equal measures the anxiety and frustration of not getting the 'right' words on paper and realising that I don't really have such a significant story to tell anyway sends me straight to the depths of despair. Sitting in my calm space this afternoon, having craved aside two hours to work on my writing away from my day-job I constantly had to tell myself, not to pour meticulously over each word, to focus on getting the argument down and leave the specifics associated with writing style until the next draft. Paying attention to this self-talk was exhausting, leaving little time to focus on the actual nuts-and-bolts of the paper I was trying to construct.

Earlier in the week I came across this http://thesiswhisperer.com/2013/09/25/how-to-write-faster/. In my mind this is just the thing to send  an eager would-be academic writer in search of the comfort of  a bottle or two of good South African red wine. Isn't it great to have a few little 'verbs' or topic sentence structures to set you on your merry way to write 'publishable' paragraph after 'publishable' paragraph. The energy I now need to counter this, well intentioned, but misdirected and dispiriting advice makes me want to just forget any delusional ambitions I might have had about publishing and find those bottles of red wine. A more  productive and, dare I say, empowering course of action is that I simply take the crib notes on offer and see the blog post for what it is - a narrow, one dimensional and decontextualised account of the very high stakes activity of academic writing, that instead of problematising the reasons for the difficulties writers' encounter, helps to perpetuate a deficit view of certain writers, who even after taking the advice on offer still struggle and even fail to produce those reams of 'publishable' words and sentences.

Wednesday 25 September 2013

its been a year

Yesterday marked a full year since I arrived back in Cape Town. On the one hand I can't believe the time has passed so quickly, yet on the other hand there were distinct periods that passed by excruciatingly slow. Last year this time all I wanted to was to be further along with my work. When I reached December  and hadn't made much progress I remember my extreme frustration. Then came the month of writing the Introduction and another month spent re-working the data chapters. So yes, the time did disappear before my eyes but at certain times I felt each moment tick over.

I had an e-mail from my colleague in the UK - she submitted her thesis a few days ago, just making the fourth year cut off point. The 2008 cohort appear to be finally closing the circle. Then I get e-mails from the OU advertising activities for the new PhD recruits. This makes me think back, almost nostalgically, to my first few days at the OU, which now seem such a long, long time ago. But, I'm pleased that I'm on 'this' side of that journey. I realise I haven't said much about how I feel about being back home for a year. That's a story for another day, nicely lubricated by some lovely South African red wine.

Monday 9 September 2013

write even when you don't want to

I was thinking about my last post a few days after I'd written it, reflecting on the fact that while I'd been conscientious in maintaining this blog I had completely stopped my journal writing. I've been journalling in one or other form since my early 20s. But I stopped about three years ago. The personal is too personal to write about. In my head the blog is for my PhD experiences, the ones I am able to share with the invisible but every present audience. My paper-based journals meant to occupy a more personal space reserved only for me and whoever gets to read it one day when I'm too old to care or dead. I know the reason why its been harder to write in my journals - because what I have to express is too immediate, personal, too painful - the kind of stuff I don't want to reflect on because by reflecting, it all becomes too real and I'd rather it be tucked away in the recesses of my mind. But for that very same reason I also know how important it is to write about those very things I want to forget or turn away from. You need to write even when you don't want to. Here my personal writing and my academic share a common connection. A few weeks back I spoke about being inspired to write. I haven't done anything yet, but the urge and push is becoming stronger. I want to write, even though I don't really want to and I feel this urge is driving me forward. The urge is so tangible that even though I know whatever I'm going to write will be crap, in the first instance, I don't care. The desire is there to do it anyway. I'm on a short break from work for the next week and hope I will concede to the need, desire to write, to create time to spend in my calm, familiar writing and research place. Push myself to do what certain parts of me don't really want to do. In this way the academic writing always has some leverage over the personal. If only it were so simple to rouse my personal writing genie.

Tuesday 3 September 2013

what I remember

I'm participating in a pilot research study on the PhD writing experience. I was interviewed today and as a result of this process I was forced to think back on my PhD. Funny how having just submitted already it feels like it was all such a long, long time ago. Another interesting coincidence - September marks a year since my return from the UK, so lots of significance to having been asked to talk about, reflect on my PhD experience at this point.

At the close of the interview I commented how I felt I hadn't really 'covered everything', hinting at a sense noted in the literature on interviews as data collection method that participants find it hard not to want to please their interviewers and provide good, relevant data. I was given a suggestion to use the prompt 'I remember' to drive my subsequent thinking about the PhD for possible future interaction with the researcher. So here is a short list of things I remember at this moment - I'm aware of course that at another moment this list might take a very different shape.

I remember
- the walks from my house in Bardsey Court to the OU especially in Autumn and the warm colours of the leaves
- my office in Jeffrey Cowther Building where my desk sat in front of the window and I could look out across the green lawn and watch people enter and leave The Hub
- going to a conference in Lille in the Autumn of 2010 with my colleagues and one of my supervisors - I did a really good presentation of my MRes research and bonded with my colleagues at a very personal level for the first time. I see this time together as forming the basis of our now enduring friendship
- the tea and biscuit conversation breaks in the Jenny Lee Building with SB all through 3rd year
- the data workshops run by JM and DA where I was really forced to think really critically about data analysis in their various forms - because of these workshops I developed a great respect for linguistically focuses analysis tools and methodologies
- listening to Martyn Hammersley talk methodology and the time I kept bumping into him at the book check-out terminal at the OU library (something like three times in a row over a three to six month period)
- missing Cape Town
- the Academic Literacies Forum when it was an informal discussion group that took place during a lunchtime over your sandwiches and tea but where the essence of debates in the field were discussed and reflected on by expert and novice alike - where 'silly' questions were tolerated and celebrated
- walking home after supervision and crying, unable to fathom why things had seemingly gone so horribly wrong






Monday 2 September 2013

faint inspiration to write

Work continues to tick over, its only predictability is that some days I feel that I can hang on and cope with the disconnection I feel, while other days I am less optimistic.

Today though, I have this faint desire to write  - to direct my activities and attentions to write academically (possibly inspired by two friends who have been wonderfully productive with their writing). To turn back towards my thesis and craft something different for new audiences. My SRHE abstracts have both been accepted so I have the necessary catalyst to start the creative process. I hope this inspiration, however faint is of the slow release kind that will linger long enough to produce a tangible result.