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Approaching Stockholm

I'm home in Cape Town. I once read someone's account of the disruption of place that modern travel creates. Often within short periods of time you can be transported from one city to another on the other side of the world without the necessary time to process both your leaving and arriving. I feel this acutely. It feels like one minute I was in green, silent, warm Uppsala, the next I'm in the bustle and hustle of Cape Town, no longer on my bike, but in my car instead. But there is also a very strange familiarity about everything. Yes I do fit in, yes it all feels, smells and tastes of something I know very intimately. Yet, part of me is also in that other place I just left and I find myself opening draws, cupboards expecting to find the things that should be inhabiting that space, except in Uppsala. Before returning to Cape Town, I read the beautifully captured experiences of the notion of Home, by Salman Rushdie. This in-between world of the immigrate at home and a stranger at the same time, in both their country of origin and their new host country.

But I settle and each day brings a new discomfort and new soothing, calm as I accept my 'new' surroundings.

I feel the sharpness of being all alone again in my home, and the togetherness, familiar sounds and accents of all the talking and catching-up with friends and family. I worry that the deep feelings of surety and contentment I experienced in Uppsala will be withered away as I have to start doing the things, that set me on the sabbatical path in the first place. Already I've had shaky starts that have left my mind racing ahead and unable to stop until the early hours of the morning. But all things settle and I now know I have a good foundation, a solid layer to offset the doubts and conflicting thoughts. Sure they will come, but I also know they will leave again - given time, they always leave, pass along.

Closing the circle (again), taming demons

Almost three weeks ago I spent time at the Open University. I went back as Visiting Fellow and to present research work completed with my OU friend and colleague JT. It was wonderful being back. While I spent most of my time in The Hub, just being on the campus in Summer brought back so many warm and familiar memories. Five years definitely gives you perspective. I always loved being within the OU space. I 'took' to the physical environment almost immediately and always enjoyed the campus - I think it had a lot to do with my comparative review of subtle values communicated through the buildings and infrastructural resources. As a PhD student at the OU we were 'showered' with the kinds of material resources and respect I hadn't until then encountered in the professional work spaces I inhabited before. At the OU I always felt welcome and materially 'cared for'. I had more trouble adapting to the intellectual and learning environment and feeling at ease there. Partly this was just because of the PhD experience and the at times 'foreign' learning space of British higher education. My blog posts during that time bear testament to those struggles and contestations. Learning involves change, and change is often hard and painful. It's just the way it is.
During my visit I had dinner with my supervisors. As I was nearing the end of my PhD we had one or two dinners together, but I would never have guessed that a gap of five years should allow new light and wonderment to enter our engagements and shift our relationship. We debated calling each other 'supervisors' and 'student' and how far away from these role differentiations and identities we are allowed to slip irrespective of time (the matter was left unresolved - the role identities, albeit so strongly framed and instructed by external forces, are too hard wired, especially in my psyche). We spoke about post-PhD career pathways, post-retirement activities, new learning joys and about life and living. We laughed a lot, eat good food, drank wine, coffee. My stories were affirmed and validated and I was offered practical and insightful advice that recognised my intellectual worth,  perspectives and the contribution my academic work does and continues to make. Five years definitely gives you perspective. Coming back to the OU as a researcher and academic rather than a student felt like I was closing the circle. More significantly, it felt like finally my PhD demons were tamed.