a day in my writing life...a visual tour

The start of the day...

Then some cleaning...

Neck a bit sore

I'm serious it is sore!

Snack time, need some energy

See it helps, on another page now

Time for a little pink hot drink, mmmm

Need to clear my mind, help me structure those research questions

How can you not love Milton Keynes in the spring?

Late lunch, really late and some telly

My its-night-time-and-I've-finished-what-I-set-out-to-do-today treat

Making education my husband

I found this in my inbox this morning, from a Cape Town friend. She wondered if this is what I was doing? Long-story- short of the article was the value to Black South Africa girls of making education, rather than some useless man your focus of attention. By making this very powerful choice, one then opens up the range of choices you will have to make your life a better, more fulfilling one. A rather poignant statement during the 1970's and 1980's in South Africa, but increasingly relevant I think to the Black girl child today. But of course this isn't about the girl child somewhere in a South African township, its about how this relates to me - the not so girl child. 

Have I made education my husband? I think my late father would probably say yes. I remember him asking me one day, just before he died, if I was happy with all the studying I was doing, especially since I didn't have a husband like 'normal' women my age ought to. I don't think its a choice for me like it is might be for the girls the article is directed at. In fact I think having that significant someone around during this process would probably enhance and add another dimension to the whole experience. If the person was supportive of the whole exercise that is. I do see many of my colleagues within relationships create and manage a 'balanced' personal-PhD life, which is something I struggle to do here in England. I would also hate to think I was forced to pick one or the other, I would much prefer having both - education and a 'husband'. But I now have a good rebuttal when questioned about my singleness and/or the many degrees I seem to be amassing.

sjoe! supervision

I dont know what to make of my last supervision meeting, a mere 90 minutes ago. Was it a good or bad experience? What does it mean when you come away thinking...oh my goodness what just happened here, shortly followed by being overcome with panic that you dont really know what you are doing! Maybe it wasnt that negative, just loads of critical, direct, challenging questions thrown at me. One realisation that surfaced was the fact that I'm probably constructing my conceptual frame in a very restrictive manner and its not helping my thinking or the articulation of my central argument. The other really glarring, but probably self-evident realisation is that I have a serious amount of work ahead of me.

Interestingly, both supervisor reassured me that I would get through the probation - that the draft I submitted and was reviewed at our meeting today would probably get me through - but that isnt really point is it? The draft in its current form isnt going to help me develop my next line of thinking as I move beyond the narrow requirements of the probation report. So it makes sense to ensure that the report fulfills more than these narrow requirements and that means I need to do the hard conceptual work required.

Before the supervision meeting I was thinking I should back-track a bit from what I said yesterday about the process being all mighty. I realise I wasnt factored into the equation - I described the process as something rather devoid of the influence of agency and I wanted to set that right. BUT my supervision today brought it all home for me again; how the process - in this instance, my supervisors asking those uncomfortable questions - was again responsible to pushing me forward, forcing me to reconsider, reformulate, restate. I guess for the process to do its work, I only need to be open to it.

A process-kind of PhD

I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now - that 'the process' of doing a PhD will get me through this PhD. It's a rather calming thought and that is probably why I keep having it and why I'm thinking it's probably a good, useful thought to cultivate. I see 'the process' as this overwhelming, bigger than me system that acts almost like God (to believers that is), and will have a big part in helping me to get the PhD at the end. Well maybe my formulation of the whole process is somewhat naive and deterministic, but that's how I see it at the moment.

So much of one's time as a PhD student is spent agonizing about a whole variety of things - but essentially about  how crap you are at some or other thing related to completing the PhD successfully, and yet most PhD students finish the PhD successfully - so in my logic there must be something greater than 'us' taking/helping/guiding us through; i.e.'the process'. I'm also reminded of some good advice given to me by LT, a previous supervisor, to always trust the process to resolve whatever issues and dilemmas encountered on this rather rocky and tempestuous journey. I'm starting to really internalize that advice and I can see in my new positive attitude and confidence towards the tasks before me, it's constructive impact.

conceptual what? Huh?

My WIPS presentation happened today.

I wasn't that nervous (just a little bit at the start when the technology was letting us down) - a new thing for me in the UK. Since my return from Cape Town I've been saying to myself - own what you know and be confident in who you are - stop trying to fit into what you think 'other' people expect you to be. Oh and believe that I have something meaningful to contribute.

I had a good turn out, both my supervisors along with one of my probationary report assessors (who I really like for his approachable disposition and solid feedback) came to the session. Interestingly, when you prepare a presentation, it all sounds so logical, so coherent, even so funny - but when you do it, say the words you wrote down and people ask questions about things you didn't even contemplate - you realise how much you have taken for granted about people's understanding of your research/topic, and how you can never predict how people will interpret what you are saying. I know the communication experts will probably have some theory about what I have just tried to explain - but it never fails to amaze me how this is almost, always the case. Yet I will probably diligently prepare my presentation making all these assumptions again. I'm reminded of what I believed about learning when I was still teaching - i.e. the limited amount of control a teacher really exercises over what a student might learn in her class. The learning moment rests almost exclusively within the student's locus of control. Sure, as a teacher you can do things to help facilitate learning process, structure particular activities in certain ways etc...but it is the student who ultimately decides what it is they want to take away from the event. For learning to happen the student needs to be open to the possibility of learning.

On a more positive note I came away from the session inspired to write my probationary report and to clarify for myself and the reader what it is I have been doing for the past 6-8 months and why I'm interested in this research study. So I think I've achieved a encouraging outcome - I think I sound better written down anyway.

It's coming along nicely,thank you!

I've just finished my W(ork)I(n)P(rogress)S(eminar) presentation powerpoint - and I'm rather pleased with myself. The graphics took forever and I'm contemplating redoing one I have already included. Completing the presentation made me realise what a lot of work and effort I've put into my work to date. I'm so focused on down grading my efforts and energy, forever thinking I'm not working hard enough, that I'm never open to recognizing the work that I am doing. I've also realised, and its not the first time I've come to this realisation, that certain things - like writing a paper or doing a presentation - gets better with more process time. When done in a rush little mistakes creep in and you don't have the time to refine, clarify and consolidate what it is you want to say. My presentation, titled "Constructing conceptual frameworks: an idiosyncratic exploration" is only on Tuesday and I like the fact that I have at least two days to go over the presentation and just fine tune it.

I have two weeks until my next deadline; a cursory draft of the probationary report. The final report will be due on 1 June and my probationary review presentation and assessment will take place on 15 June.

 I had a look at some of the previous submissions and I was reassured that I have already put in most the intellectual and development work over the past 6 - 7 months that is required to do the report justice. At the moment the "report" (in abstract) consists of fragments of ideas and written pieces which I need to bring together to form a coherent argument for my research study and my readiness to complete it. The one missing part is my research methodology which I need to hone in on. I need to read more extensively around the issue of case study and ethnographic research, extend my range of sources, and consider in a more comprehensive manner the issue of analytical approach. But I'm feeling confident its a doable task, I've been working consistently since October and that must count in my favour; maybe even allowing me sometime to cut the grass and plant some flowers in my garden.

No more talking South African?

I'm back in the familiar environment of my Milton Keynes home and being reflective of the speed at which one is able to 'adjust' to a different country and culture. I can hardly believe I spent the past four weeks in Cape Town and keep wondering if it was merely a figment of my imagination. I suffered with the long journey back – I know I'm probably just whingeing, because in reality it wasn't THAT bad – total travelling time from door to door was just under 22 hours – but I was really out of it on Monday. Tuesday brought along my physiotherapy session which basically ended in me being 'kicked out of the programme' – I no longer have the deferred pain down my arms, the 4 treatment sessions allowed has been fulfilled and therefore the 'problem' has been solved, never mind that my back is as hard as a plank and that there has been marginal improvement in the flexibility of my spine since my first appointment. I've resolved to sort out my back problems by myself – it's not going to get any better by itself and it will continue to cause me problems because the nature of what I do forces me to sit at a desk hunched over for hours on end... "big sigh" So its up to me to make it better right?

Physical problems aside, what does it mean to be back in MK?

Well for one thing lots of time to work – no excuses not to work, clearly demonstrated by the fact that I am sitting at my desk at 11:50pm and thinking nothing much of it. But of course I also lose the balance and vibrancy of my existence in Cape Town. I realised while in Cape Town, talking about my study experiences in the UK, that I've given the 'context' here too much power over the process – basically I suppressed my own personality, needs and ways of being to accommodate the context and I need to wrestle that back into the picture. I also realised that I need to build up my confidence around asserting what I know and own my knowledge – it's what the writing people talk about when they refer to the development of the authorial voice in student writing – the increasing reliance on your own voice to articulate an argument rather than on the literature or the experts. So will this voice talk South African? Already I can feel my accent taking on the familiar 'British' note as the people around me ask me to repeat what I have just said. It was easier to be heard in Cape Town where we share so many common assumptions about our context and being 100% precise and logical is not the only goal of the conversation – shared meaning and understanding is constantly negotiated and facilitated by both speakers. Maybe the key is find a way for the South African talk to become infused and part of my 'British' speak. Translating the confidence I gain from being in the SA context by raising the currency of my SA talk in my UK environment in some way. Well it's a thought!

Different kind of reading

Last week in mid-panic over the fact that I had only read '8'? articles for my piece on multimodality - I read another 3 in a super productive 3 hour session at the library. I realised that my reading strategy just wasn't working. Interestingly then, that I also started to read around the area of literacies and technology - the work of Ilana Snyder in particular - who in the late 1990's started to talk about the shift from 'page to screen' in an attempt to describe how literacy practices were fundamentally changing due to technological innovation and development associated with the computer screen and internet technologies. Basically the suggestion is that screen based technologies are changing how we read, write and interact with information and knowledge. A big part of these shifting literacy practices is surface reading, especially common of reading practices on websites and hypertext-type texts. This got me thinking about my paper privileging reading practices and my insistence on take long written notes as I read each sentence or paragraph of an article, book or chapter. Its a practice I've used more or less successfully all my HE academic life. It takes a seriously long time, is often redundant but it has always worked for me. So why change?

Well I have just so much more 'reading' to do and I really don't have the time; its also so demoralizing when I realise how 'little' I've done within a particular time period and the mountains I still have to get through. This weekend I read through the bulk of the literacy and technology literature I brought along to SA (maybe 8-10 papers)  and I feel I have developed a general sense of the main arguments being articulated and how they might fit into my research agenda. All I have to do now is go back over each paper or article and extract the main points I have highlighted for my details notes. Importantly, I feel more confident about the use of my time and more encouraged to read more rather than being burdened with the thought of seeing my reading activities as a major chore I'd rather not tackle. Maybe this is the start of a new 'learning' strategy? Watch this space!