I thought I was an ethnographer...

but it would seem that really all I am is a good old fashioned administrator and filing clerk. I've been sitting here organising my data into folders and renaming documents and photos. If I leave it for more than 2 weeks its as if it my filing system morphs into something I can't recognise. As I collect more and different data, take more photos - my filing system needs to adjust and change...arrrgggghhhh! Next time someone asks me about what I do or how my research is going - all I'll say is I have a new job - filing clerk supremo!

the night stole my day

Insomnia! I couldn't sleep last night. Not sure if it was the Latte I had at 9pm or the flu tablet with caffeine I took at about 11pm that was the cause of my troubles last night. But at 3am I was gently telling myself to just surrender, hoping this would finally be the right strategy to send me into la la land. I woke at 8am, of course I would wake up at 8am after only getting to sleep after 3am, feeling like a tonne of bricks just landed on my head. The day was forever lost. And I had great 'academic' plans for today, plans I'm not sure will come to fruition and that really sucks.

Along with the thousand of thoughts floating through my head as I tried to fall asleep early this morning - I thought about my PhD. It would seem that my life - yes my real life - has precedence over the PhD. All my personal issues and complications take up about 70% of my head space leaving only about 30% for all matters PhD. One would think I could devote more time and energy to this temporary endeavour, knowing that it will end, and when it's done, it's done and I cant go back and say - 'darn if only I gave it more time I would have done so much better'. And if that doesn't get me motivated - maybe the acknowledgement that the British government is paying good money to get me educated - should get me thinking that the least I could do is give it all of my energy and time.

But life gets in the way - or maybe I allow life to get in the way, but shouldn't it?

lazy lazy thursday

Is it called Good Thursday? I remember when I was a child and still a diligent Catholic, that the Thursday of the Easter Weekend was a rather important and holy day. I remember going to church actually on Thursday night and then waiting for the long church service on Good Friday where we had to kiss the feet of Jesus on the cross. I usually remained seated in my church pew, because the thought of kissing a statue just didn't make sense to me. Of course all eyes would be pierced on me (or maybe it was me, L and A, grouped together in our joint repulsion for this ritual) because the whole congregation would get up, row by row and file down the aisle to take their turn at kissing the feet and we would be exposed in our seats. No where to hide in a Catholic church during this ritual.

But aside from being grateful that I no longer have to go to church on a Good Friday and instead can simply think about the pickled fish and hot cross buns I will eat - this Thursday I decided not to go to my research site - they are having a formal staff meeting and I didn't want to go all the way to BLV just to be told I cant sit in on the meeting. So I'm sitting here at almost 12pm, in my gown, organising my electronic fieldwork folders. Flip when will it ever end - its like I have to work on keeping it 'tidy' at least once a week and this doesn't even include the backups I have to keep making. I'm using DROPBOX, a brilliant tool to share and sync files between computers in different location, primarily as a fail safe way to backup my fieldnotes in realtime, but then I also want a copy on my primary PC. And while in principle this seems simple enough - it requires so much management added to my generally paranoia that I might lose my fieldnotes due whatever reason. The amount of 'stuff' I'm collecting - goodness, I certainly don't want to bore any one with the details. I've also started to collect interactional data - of when a lecturer is walking around the class, looking at a student's work-in-progress and doing a mini-consultation. Again lord knows what the hell I'm going to do with all of that! So its files, files, folders and more file...oh and did I mention I also collect hardcopies of things too!

Anyway I'm meant to be sending off my supervision notes, but I've been distracted by downloading data recordings, photographs and student written notes taken in class. Soon I'll be off to my favourite cafe to sit and listen to the interactional data I've recorded and write some more fieldnotes. Oh the life of a PhD student, when she's in the mood to be a PhD student.

Collecting proper bibliographical information

...or you will pay the price later! Indeed; this is what I'm realising at the moment. After almost...20 odd years in the HE academic game I still don't know how to collect proper bibliographic information!? My ex-students will scream with laughter and call me a fraud. But it happens. I have to submit an article using the APA (American Psychological Association) referencing style and this requires the page number for chapters in edited books. I've NEVER EVER collected the page numbers of chapters from books I've consulted. So for the 10 or so 'incorrectly' formatted references I have in my article I will have to trawl the internet in search of the illusive page numbers. I want to say that I would be better off with my Endnote library (which is sitting neatly and untouched on my computer at the OU), but altas Endnote can only help you so far - if you didn't input the actual page numbers for a specific reference, it wont generate a 'correct' version of a bibliography in a reference style requiring the freaking page numbers. It's only software, it needs a master to give it all the parameters to work with and then tell it what to do.

So the moral of this story...collect the freaking page numbers of everything you consult! Guess what I'll be doing this Easter Weekend?

Learning my lessons well

I learnt another lesson today – a rather obvious lesson any rational, thinking person might say. But it’s been a lesson I've refused to learn since I've started my fieldwork.

And it started like this...I needed to have my sinuses x-rayed, so picked today to go to the radiographers. As they don’t take appointments for this procedure I had to sit in the waiting room and wait my turn. So instead of reading the magazines on their coffee table, I simply pulled out my laptop and started to write up the fieldnotes for the day. Before I knew it my notes were complete and when I got home the relief of not having to do this task was just fantastic. I hate coming home and then having to contemplate the dreaded fieldnote writing. It’s not that serious, but you need a solid hour or so to concentrate and focus on what happened during the day. I usually take rough written notes throughout the day and then sit down at night to recompose and built out the detail in my final notes on computer. Last week because of one or other reason I ended up having to write up about three days of fieldnotes over the weekend – which for me is really a bad practice because one can so easily forget the specifics of what happened on the day. Also in the rush to finish the task, you skimp over the finer details and elaborations – again failing to capture authentically the happenings of the day. Also imagine taking 3-4 hours out for your weekend free time – not a good prospect at all!

So why don’t I sit down and write my fieldnotes immediately when I get home, why am I always distracted by other ‘things’ I need to do, leaving the fieldnotes for later and then ending up feeling like this crucial activity is a horrible chore? So my lesson today is to do my notes before I leave my research site – spend an extra hour on campus writing my notes and come home without ‘fieldnotes’ hanging over my head. These notes are crucial to my understanding and reading of the context and I need to give them the space and priority they deserve. When I’m sitting with my analysis in 4-5 months time, I want to be smiling rather than wanting to pull my hair out.

A good week in the field

I started my classroom observations in my new research site this week and my overall impression of the week is FANTASTIC! I'm enjoying being in the department and can certainly see that I've developed an increased level of confidence in my role as researcher and participant observer. Whereas previously I wouldn't really interact with students in the first week, usually restricting my interactions to a respectful distance as we got used to each other – this week by day two I was having meaning conversations with students and taking photographs (another activity I would normally leave until week two or three for fear of being intrusive). I just feel more in control of what I am doing and more comfortable in both the environment and my own skin. Of course it could just be me – thus all these changes have come about as a result of my own doing. But how can I discount the context as having some influence on my actions and behaviours? I could identify a range of contextual features that are probably contributing to this new found confidence and comfort I’m experiencing. So while I would like to credit myself for all these shifts in my researcher conduct, I think they only make sense because of the contextual realities of the research site.

I’ve also realised how much I am learning about my own teaching and learning approaches while I participate in other peoples’ teaching and learning environments. My irritations, anxieties and commendations of the teaching practices I observe all reflect back on my own practices and as a result this whole experience has been such a fruitful learning ground for me. I’ve realised that I am a rescuer – I always want to rescue students from ‘bad experiences’; when I see something going wrong – like miscommunications about a brief that causes students’ anxiety – I want to rescue the students and the situation by making the problem go away. Not everyone feels the need to do this, and often students just have to sit with that anxiety and find their own solutions. Thus during one such situation this week, I asked myself – how helpful is it to students when I constantly want to make their anxieties go away and is it realistic to make these anxieties dissipate? I was particularly proud of myself this week, when I confronted with this kind of situation that I just remained a ‘neutral’ observer and didn’t provide my opinion to students or go chat to a lecturer etc...to get some clarity on the situation. I didn’t allow myself to become embroiled in a situation and process that was really outside of my control. I think it was good fieldworker practice to maintain such a ‘neutral’ role in this instance, especially at such an early stage of the fieldwork period, where I stood the risk of possibly being seen as someone who interferes and therefore opening myself up to be manipulated or viewed with distrust.

Having such a positive week in the field is rather encouraging and I’m really looking forward to embracing my new found confidence as I continue to explore this really dynamic learning environment. Everyone should have a good week in the field.

being an ethnographer for real

For real indeed - not just a wishy washy, pick bits and pieces here and there of the methodology that suits you now and then, but a full on hard core ethnographer - the kind that embraces all the ontological and epistemological assumptions that goes along with this kind of research. Hmm, yeah and so? Well, reflecting on my experience of trying to do ethnographic research today in supervision - I had to admit that I was conflicted in this role as ethnographer and that I didn't always embrace the ontological positioning it espoused. I know I've mentioned this before and I've had glimpses of this conflict before, but I'm starting to feel and internalise it now that I'm in the field. Seems I cant just collect data without wanting to analyse it using have a ready formulated conceptual and analytical framework. No no no say the supervisors...just collect the data, don't worry about conceptual, analytical, whateveryoumacallit frameworks - just concern yourself with the data. Theory is meant to help you understand the data you have collected, you aren't meant to use the data to help explain or support the theory. Hmm, yes I understand - I say, but this paradigm shift takes a while to process and take on board. Hey, but I'm open to the shift, lets hope my need for structure and certainty doesn't sabotage this openness.

passed the half way mark

I'm closer to leaving South Africa than I am from having left England (this doesn't sound right, but I just can't get this description right). I have less than three months left in Cape Town and frankly I'm not sure what to do with that information. Apparently people are waging bets at the OU on whether or not I will return. The 'odds' for this wager is variable for me too from one day to the next.

Being in my fieldwork context has made me realise what I love doing, teaching. The added bonus is that the departmental environments where I'm working are dynamic and rich at both interpersonal and collegial levels. Thus making the idea of coming back to teaching very inviting. I've realised more than ever that I love being around students, especially undergraduates - I love their dynamic energy, how they are so invincible, determined and clear about their futures. And even if the world 'out there' might seem a scary place, there is still this clear path that can/must be followed to conquer and claim it as your own. I remember when I felt exactly like that - and it is a wonderful time in my life - where the possibilities were endless. In a way doing my fieldwork in Cape Town has restored my interest, maybe even enthusiasm about going back to CPUT to teach - all the positive aspects about teaching at the institution, the very things I had forgotten or developed an immunity to in those last 3-4 year of working in my old department, I am seeing once again. And I love being in Cape Town - it is an intangible something I feel about being here. It just fits - I just fit.

But I have less than three months left in Cape Town. And although I have played with many variations on how and where I might live out the final 15 months of my PhD once I leave here at the end of June - there is an invertible sense about going back to England. But knowing that I have to go back, and even knowing why it might be good or better for me to go back, doesn't mean that it will be any easier to deal with. And as I get closer to that departure date I know the discomfort will become more palpable.

But it's another brilliant sunny Sunday in the Mother City and one can't be sitting indoors, it just doesn't seem right.

reassured

Spoke to one of my supervisors today. I sent a somewhat frantic e-mail last week basically begging for an opportunity to talk about my fieldwork. I was just feeling like I wasn't doing things right - not being able to do enough analysis work, my concerns about my interview approach and whether or not I was sufficiently accommodating the Bernsteinian aspects within the data collection. Panic, panic, panic - understandable though. When I'm like this in both my personal and professional lives - all I need, is to talk - I just need to express myself verbally and I almost immediately calm down and gain a level of perspective.

So, today I talked and got the reassurances I needed. I feel I can continue now with confidence - collecting my data is my paramount task, making sure I capture the environment in as much detail through my fieldnotes and ensuring that I organise my data so I can easily retrieve it  later. This is all I need to concentrate on for now - I don't need to be doing anything else - this will be enough. Sjoe!

I also realised that I need to find new avenues to express myself and ask for help when needed. I really don't have to keep the anxiety, worries, excitement and wonderment generated by this fieldwork experience to myself.  It's good to share!

calmer perspective

I've been gripped by perspective helped along by some pragmatic comments from facebook friends (who would have thought, it serves a purpose after all). It's not the end of my research world. Not by a long shot and I need to maintain perspective. So I have to go back to the conceptual drawing board in relation to how I want to use Bernstein - so what? It's something I can do, I have options and I have time to figure things out.

My first default is always to come down on myself like a ton of bricks and then eventually I manage to scrape myself off the floor and find a solution. But why I need to resort to that first bit is beyond reason - maybe it makes me feel smarter when I am able to resolve the situation? Why can't I be more accepting of the mistakes I make and why do I always have to be so ultra-critical about the way I do things. At the back of my mind while uncovering the conceptual framework meltdown, was this ultra-critical voice saying how poorly I was managing my fieldwork experience. I just impose all these strange expectations on myself - in a sense simply setting myself up for failure irrespective what I do.

Gaining perspective is not a given, some people strive all their lives to get a balanced view of their actions and behaviours. Sometimes one is simply just closed to seeing it and you need time and often distance from the event to gain a realistic and balance perspective. Being practical about how to deal with the problems confronting you is also useful and that is what I want to focus on over the next couple of days. I want to be practical - do basic, simple things that will get me closer to that informed and intelligent decision I'm looking for.

house of cards

My conceptual framework - well part of it anyway - is like a house of cards, caving in!

I haven't written for almost three weeks, a month? Its avoidance and denial all rolled into one. I knew that by writing I would expose the cracks and flaws in my research study and then I would have to deal with it - an activity I was not in the mood for, hence the avoidance behaviour. So avoidance and denial became best friends over the past few weeks. Honestly, I would rather just get into bed and go to sleep for a week maybe (see how hard it is to get rid of these pests once they have a hold on you?). Excuses, excuses! Yeah I'm full of excuses lately.

Things started to go 'off' when I started to prepare for the interview part of my study. Drawing up questions for both student and staff participants made me realise that I wasn't that clear on the analytical tools that would guide the data collection. Well I had a sort of rough idea that things weren't as water tight as they needed to be, but being buoyed by the epistemological logic of ethnographic research that no data can be bad data, a gentle nod from a supervisor who looked over my interview approach and question themes, I bravely went about my business of interviewing students and two staff members. But the staff interviews really brought the nagging, but subterranean worries to the surface. After chatting to a kind mentor about the Bernsteinian aspect of my study and in particular my data collection process, I knew I had missed the point - but at the same time the magic charms of avoidance and denial seemed too powerful to resist.

Having just reviewed my notes from this meeting (which took place more than 2 weeks ago) the house of cards has literally fallen down. It would seem I have misunderstood a fundamental concept of Bernsteinian theory, around which I built my entire study; secondly the inclusion of the Bernsteinian concept(s) which I included as part of the methodological and analytical framework of my study are in reality outside the scope of a reasonably sized PhD study. Thus my theoretisation around how I would use the Bernsteinian concepts in my research design were just way off target – and I mean this in the most gentle way.

It’s strange because I’m sitting here considering all the ‘options’ in an almost calm and unaffected way – yet my brain is racing. I have options, which is always a positive thing, I just need time to consider them all individually and make an informed and intelligent choice about how to deal with this problem. But I guess time might be the bugger – how do I fit in this conceptualisation time while I’m trying to make sense of a new research site (starting tomorrow), and still  resolve administrative and other left over issues from my previous site?

I went walking this morning and as my mind wondered freely to many different topics and I engaged in many conversations with my self – two particularly important thoughts came to me

a) I need to accept what my role and identity as a PhD student has to offer. In order for acceptance to happen, I need to relinquish my internal resistance to the current but equally transient nature of the identity shift being a PhD student has evoked. I need to just accept all that goes along with it – even if the acceptance is muted in just the right proportions to allow me to get on with doing the PhD

b) I still believe in ‘the process’ i.e. the PhD process is greater than me and it will lead me to the other side, it pushes you forward and you can come kicking or screaming or you can go gently. The process, like life, is further filled with positive and negative, happy times and sad ones but eventually balance between these extremes does come in varying waves over the period of the PhD. So I will get to some point of balance during this ‘difficult’ period and I WILL eventually get to the other side.

It seems like good sense at this point of ‘the story’ that I take comfort in these thoughts.