self talk and visualisation

A few days ago I responded to someone's question about how my viva preparations were going by saying 'the mind is strong, but the body is weak'. I was referring to my inability to get myself to just sit down at a table somewhere and do the preparation work I needed to do. I wanted to do it, and each morning I told myself I needed to do it, but I kept failing to do it. My friend's response to my lament, was to suggest that the mind is the most important ingredient in all this and as long as the mind was willing I would be ok.

Reflection on this piece of advice I see so much truth in it. Since my mock viva, I've been rehearsing answers, strategies for answers, thinking through different angles to take on particular questions - but I've been doing all of this in my head. I've been telling myself it will be ok, the viva will be ok, that 'I know my stuff'. I've been visualizing the day before the viva, the day of the viva, seeing myself in the viva, talking, expressing, responding, even feeling the intensity of the experience especially that burning sensation in my face that usually comes when I'm engaged in a heated discussion or when I get asked a difficult or tricky question. My visualisation are always about a positive outcome. I always pass, I think I believe this - that my thesis, my research and my understanding of the research is good enough to warrant a pass. But I'm preparing for different variations of this outcome - I see myself content with a 'pass with substantial amendments' even though I would prefer a 'pass with minor corrections'. But pass is the operative word and all the emotions attached to my self-talk and visualisation is linked firmly with this word.

mock viva intensity

I did, or should I say, I survived, my mock viva last week. The most lasting impression of the whole exercise was its intensity. Even though I 'sat' across the table (thanks to Skype) from my 'mock-examiners', who I knew personally, I felt the intensity of the process, the discussion and dialogue that will be a core feature of the REAL event in three weeks time. I jokingly said afterwards, that if I was nervous about the real viva, after the mock, I'm now definitely scared. The mock viva made it blatantly clear to me that the viva is not to be confused with a 'conversation or chance to talk about my research', which unfortunately conveys a sense of a somewhat calm, easy, relaxed and informal chat one might have with peers. This will be different. It will be intense and I will need to perform appropriately. I need to have an primary angle on my research but I also need to be able to see my research and its implications from a number of different angles (even angles I haven't thought of before). I must be able to think on my feet and engage in true academic debate. This means having a deep understanding of my research study but also how it relates and impacts on issues that are much border than the research's narrow parameters.

Besides getting a taste of the intensity to come, the mock viva was extremely affirming. Even with the difficult questions and my reliance here and there on crib notes, I felt confident. And not just a superficial sense of confidence - but an authentic sense that actually I do know my stuff (mostly) and if I prepare some more and work out my strategies slightly differently I can come out alive on the other side. Yes I really can taste the end of this journey.

what can I say?

Dear Lynn

This is to confirm arrangements for your Open University research degree examination.

Your exam will take place on 13 November 2013 at 14:00 at the university campus at Walton Hall, Milton Keynes. 

Please report to the quiet area outside the Cedar Meeting room, Jennie Lee Building, 1st Floor, in good time

If you have any queries, please contact the Research Degrees Office on +44(0) 1908 659616 or reply to this email.  I wish you every success in your examination.

Kind regards

Su

erratum

I'm sitting in the cafe in Obs. I sit here most Sunday evenings, trying to write, trying to reconnect with my 'academic' self, drinking more cappuccinos than I suspect is good for me. I've been trying to write a rough draft of a section of a chapter I'm meant to be construct with my supervisor. I'm late with getting the draft together, yet the more I work on it, the more the argument I'm trying to construct seems to slip away from me. I haven't been able to selfishly block off time during my 'working' week to attend these 'academic' type tasks. I'm frustrated by my inability to organise my 'working' life so that I can accommodate and nurture my 'academic' self. These frustrations morphing into self-doubt about my ability to have or indeed cultivate an 'academic' self. Last time I noted how I actually might enjoy writing, provided I could accept that it was a long, slow process. Somehow the 'slow' aspect that is so revered in cooking and design has become twisted in my brain, representing all things negative.

Working on this chapter means working through my thesis and picking up the stupid, silly, downright careless mistakes that now appear to litter my thesis. Each time I find one of these irritating little reminders of my carelessness I curse at all the checks and balances and quality assurance measures I put in place to help avoid the very situation I now find myself in. I know there is a moral to this story - 'there is no such thing as a  error-free thesis' - but for now I just want to kick that freaking moral in its teeth. Yeah, yeah I know, ahimsa but I get some warped sense of satisfaction imagining that I could effect some pain on this inanimate thing causing me all this frustration. But all I can realistically do, is sigh, a long, deflating sigh and add yet another embarrassing entry to 'that' list I will take along to viva room on 13 November.