Submitted!

Indeed it has been submitted on a rather anti-climactic note. As usual the copying took longer than expected - the machine in my building decided it didn't want to play along - and why do I also have to used colour paper? It just complicates the copying and collation tasks!
 I didn't look at the report since Thursday and all I did yesterday was correct two paragraphs as suggested by my supervisor, and double check spelling mistakes (yes the world's worst speller was checking her own spelling mistakes - is that irony or an paradox?). First weekend in 6 weeks where I spent less than 2 hours on my work. I decided to channel my energies into physical activities so I - cut the grass, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned the house, did my ironing, sorted and rearranged my papers, did some crafty tasks I've been wanting to do for so long and watched some movies. Of course I've been thinking - so what's next? Well I now need to prepare for my mini-viva presentation and write a paper for a conference next month - I've already lined up a reader and said I would have a draft by month end...so here we go again. I'm just hoping I can inject some balance into my life and maybe become more efficient in the way I use my time.

Being clear and authorial in my writing

Version 1

My research is interested in understanding how students in digital multimodal disciplinary environments demonstrate their learning through the assessment texts the curriculum requires them to produce. I argue that implicated in such text production are academic literacy practices which account for the socio-cultural values, principles and regulation of the ways in which texts should be produced. I am further interested in uncovering empirically the influence of the social structuring of such academic literacy practices and the research proposes to do so by considering knowledge construction in the curriculum using a Bernsteinian lens. Bernstein's pedagogic device offers a way to explain how certain knowledge is privileged in academic contexts and how this privileging is directed through the legitimisation of particular assessment texts. By analysing what knowledge becomes situated in academic literacy practices, and how academic literacy practices reflect the privileging and legitimisation processes of certain texts, the social basis of academic literacy practices can be revealed. The implications of the contextual structuring on academic literacy practices on student learning and success can then be considered from a position that challenges current student deficit discourses.

 

Version 2

My research is interested in understanding how students in digital multimodal disciplinary environments demonstrate their learning through the assessment texts the curriculum requires them to produce. I argue that implicated in such text production are academic literacy practices which embedded socio-cultural values, regulating the ways in which texts should be produced. I am further interested in uncovering empirically the influence of the contextual structuring of such academic literacy practices and the research proposes to do so by considering knowledge construction in the curriculum using a Bernsteinian lens. Bernstein's PDv offers me a way of explaining not only how certain knowledge becomes privileged in the academic contexts of my research, but also how assessment texts legitimatise such privileged knowledge. The argument I am making in my research is that by analysing what knowledge becomes situated in academic literacy practices, and how academic literacy practices reflect the privileging and legitimisation processes of certain texts, the contextual basis of academic literacy practices can be revealed. I hope to be able to show the implications of contextual structuring on academic literacy practices and student learning and success and in this way challenge current student deficit discourses.

 

 

Version 3

In my research I am interested in understanding how students in digital multimodal disciplinary environments demonstrate their learning, through the texts the curriculum requires them to produce for assessment. I argue that academic literacy practices which embed socio-cultural values are implicated in the production and assessment of these texts, regulating the ways in which they should be produced. I am further interested in uncovering empirically the influence of the contextual structuring of such academic literacy practices and propose to do so by considering knowledge construction in the curriculum using a Bernsteinian lens. Bernstein's PDv offers me a way of explaining not only how certain knowledge becomes privileged in the academic contexts of my research, but also how assessment texts legitimatise such privileged knowledge. The argument I am making in my research is that by analysing what knowledge becomes situated in academic literacy practices, and how academic literacy practices reflect the privileging and legitimisation processes through certain texts, the contextual basis of academic literacy practices can be revealed. I hope to be able to show the implications of contextual structuring on academic literacy practices and student learning and success and in this way challenge current student deficit discourses.

 

All of this reworking happened over a period of 1 week as I tried to become more clear about what I wanted to say and assert myself more directly in the text. In version 3 I had a lot of help from my supervisor who suggested some subtle changes in how I arranged my sentences. On a pedagogical point, my supervisors and I will be looking more carefully at my writing style and I am keen to find out exactly how to spot 'problems' and then correct it.

Movies sometimes make it better

I watched this beautifully simple movie last night - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring,_Summer,_Fall,_Winter..._and_Spring and it made me think about my perceptions about my writing and studies at this moment, especially after my rant and rave yesterday. I'm wondering if I can see and think 'differently' about my experiences outside of my 'attachment' and 'ego'. I've also decided that I should keep reminding myself that I am VERY capable of doing this thing, its doing this thing 'their' way that I need to work on.

That's my opening thought to the day that will be filled with trying to reduce the word length of my report, trying to sharpen my writing, attend to niggly little editing issues and dealing with any outstanding comments from my supervisor.

Is it all just a BS game?

Today I went to a session on preparing for the PhD/probation viva. In the UK (and the rest of Europe) PhD candidates have to defend their thesis via an oral discussion with their examiners, after submitting the actual written document. What stuck me most about today's session was how different the main points being brought across where from what I had heard in 'other' sessions on the same topic. So my question was...WHO should I believe? Well a little qualification is in order...it depends on your examiners. So yes there are these broad general rules that oversee the whole process, but ultimately it is how your examiners interpret these rules. As a PhD student I find myself in this very strange position - I seem to be worshipping at the alters of so many different gods, who all demand very different things from me. I don’t like religion at the best of times and something deep inside me is screaming like hell to simply subvert the process. An underlying sub-text of many of my posts, is discomfort with this whole process that seems in my view to be suggesting that in order to get through this process your have to be subservient to supervisors and examiners. Can’t learning be an experience where you develop, change, become more aware of the world or a specific topic without losing yourself completely in the process? I'm not sure whether my current sense of the whole PhD experience is being clouded by the fact that a) I'm a foreign student; b) there are major cultural differences that I'm struggling to deal with; c) I have doubts about my intellectual, written and social capacity to engaged appropriately with the degree process; or d) often feel like I’m seriously out of my comfort zone. There just never seems to be a moment long enough where I feel I am on solid ground. These moments are just so fleeting.

I came back from the viva session only to find a second batch of feedback comments waiting for me in my inbox - convolutions (conceptual and syntactic) still creeping into my writing. Yesterday I got feedback suggesting that the report was in a suitable state to submit. What to do, what to do? I feel frustrated that I lack the confidence, vocabulary, insight to challenge what I know are assumptions about what writing at this level needs to look like. I want to say “Exactly what is so problematic with my writing? “And why would you possibly think that I could pick out the problems you have with my writing, myself?”

So I’m playing a game, and it’s a BS game. The rules make sense at certain times, but it’s also perfectly acceptable for them to shift and sway as and when it is felt appropriate. I wish I were less of the activist and more of a pacifist – I think that would help make this whole experience a lot easier on me.

And its coming together, the probation report that is

Since my supervision meeting on Monday I've been working, albeit at a slower pace, on implementing all the suggested changes to my report. I know this is going to sound so cliché, but making the changes has improved the overall flow and structure of the report. Today I've been doing a final argument proofread - to check the coherence of my argument, pick up on any slippage of terms, double check my references and write up any linking sentences or paragraphs needed here and there. This process will continue tomorrow and I also need to do all the formatting of the document - which I am not looking forward to at all. Last year I did a course on managing long documents and was introduced to the Styles function in MSWord, but I've forgot so much of it already, so I suspect that doing it now is going to be a chore. But it all needs to be done by Monday morning when I need to send it off to my supervisors for their final review. I'm going to push them to get their feedback to me by Wednesday, so if all goes well I can hand the 'thing' in on Friday - although my official deadline is Tuesday June 1. Then at least my weekend will be a relaxed one. But I'm going to this event http://keepachildalive.org/black-ball/2010uk/invite/ with my friend Anthony on Thursday night so...lets hope I get home from London.

Some progression in my thinking - I've gone from this as a conceptual framework

to a reconsideration of how my conceptual lenses might will inform my data collection.

And I'm a lot happier with this adjustment, for now anyway.

and where the supervision gods happy?

I'm not sure! I had supervision yesterday and got some really good, constructive feedback from my supervisors. But it was a peculiar and challenging session too and I came away feeling ambivalent. Interestingly, I don't feel personal about the session as in being pissed off at any of my supervisors over things that were said or comments expressed - I'm just ambivalent about the whole process of supervision and the PhD. The things you have to go through to get to the other side.

Part of my problem is that I'm studying meaning making, I'm studying assessment text production and studying academic literacies and I'm experiencing all the things those wonderful researchers say about writing in higher education. I could be the pin-up girl for academic literacies, damn it! All the frustrations, emotions, feelings of not fitting in, not being able to write, faking it and being caught out, being the 'other', hell that's me. I remember once while doing my Masters at UCT I had a 'moment' and I told my supervisor that I felt as if I just didn't have the Discourse (referring to James Gee's notion of Discourse - that basically means a way of being within a particular context e.g. the academic way of being might mean demonstrating to those already in the academic context that you know the rules, can play by the rules and will be recognised as fitting it). Coming out of that meeting yesterday, while I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, I felt again like I just didn't get the Discourse.

Of course I'm over analysing everything but I'm aware at such a intricate intellectual level of the (probably)  ideological and power positions at play around the issue of 'student' writing. And I am in the middle of it - trying to make sense of my own experience, linking it to the field I have located myself in - academic literacies - while acknowledging how immensely difficult the whole writing process is for the student and the teacher. I'm aware of what my supervisors are doing to be sensitive, and I know they know when I'm faking it, but they also get caught out and slip into approaches or dispositions that foreground their ideological position and power in the interaction. Yesterday for example - there were times when I thought - "fuck Lynn why cant you challenge them, be more cocky, defensive, whatever!" But I sat back and listened, trying to see their angle, trying to juxtapose my own position in relation to theirs, trying not to resort to..."but, why haven't you raised this with me before, but when I sent you x and y previously you didn't raise these concerns then?" That just didn't seem like the appropriate response - defence isn't always the best form of offence.  Its hard to argue against people who are the leading lights in the field you are exploring and trying to aligning yourself with - or is it? Its also hard to argue when someone challenges your word choices and there is no way in hell you can counter pose their point  because, hell, you just don't know or have an alternative.

Anyway...I'm not bitter, I'm humbled to the process, its crap, its destabilising, its a muddle (like my writing apparently!) but I am meant to come out on the other side. And I know I will. Tomorrow the corrections begin and in all honesty they are mostly minor and I know that by working through the correction the piece will be improved and I will live to write another blog entry.

I'm so tired...

I handed in my draft probation report today and feel completely drained. At the start of the whole process I was so upbeat about the prospect of writing up the draft and felt confident about just getting it done. But the writing process was more challenging than I could have imagined. It just took ages to write...ANYTHING. It felt as if I was agonising over each word, each sentence, each point I was trying to make. When that happens the edit-and-perfection freak takes over and effectively stifles any creative flow I have inside me. On top of that I've been irritated with the lack of balance to temper my academic life, frustrated that all I've done for the past two weeks is focus and work on this draft. So unfortunately these two issues, the need to get everything down perfectly and the frustration of not being able to step aside from the work, made for a very uncomfortable writing experience.

How do I feel about the piece of work I submitted?...rough! Too many issues I don't think I've nailed down sufficiently. But that's a positive quality too - I've become aware of my shortcomings. Hell there always is a brighter, positive spin to everything.

hello Bernstein my old friend

Yes, I can hardly believe it but the man is back...Basil Bernstein "jou lekker ding" - not sure how appropriate such a phrase might be on a 'serious' academic blog like this.

But I've come around, decided I need to do the hard intellectual work and deal with a Bernsteinian analysis of students' assessment texts in the academic sites of my research. I know why I shied away from him before - a combination of not having the right support to guide me through the plethora of different ways to understand and use his theories, and not wanting to do the hard intellectual work it takes to see the world through Bernstein's eyes. Strangely, now that I have embraced him again things make sense - I needed an overarching organisational frame to pull together ways of describing the academic context of the research and the pedagogic device offers it to me, along with analytical tools that show potential synergy with academic literacies. In all fairness I have to give a lot of the credit for this cathartic moment to Paul Ashwin and his new book on Analysis Teaching-Learning interactions in Higher Education and MRL for suggesting I read it. He does this brilliant chapter on using Bernstein theories to explain structure and agency in the teaching-learning interaction and I just saw so much connection with my own work. Well its a start anyway and will go a long way to relieve the conceptual framework vacuum headache I've been having since it all went poof!

poof!.... goes the conceptual framework

Yes its gone, not very productive in helping me understand my research topic. I said it last week at my supervision meeting and I've been thinking about it ever since. My goal is to articulate what the hell I mean by conceptual framework by May 12 when I hand in a complete draft of my probationary report to my supervisors.  To help keep me sane over the next week, I'm reminded of what one of my prospective research participants, a lecturer of graphic design, said to me during an introductory interview in April; she was trying to explain the notion of design that students need to grasp - the idea that you cant see the end product at the start of the process, all you have are idealised versions of what you think it might look like and usually it never ends up looking like that anyway. Somehow I feel that its a lesson for me too and one I think MRL has been trying to hint at for a long time, by telling me not be to be so hung up on pinning things down outside of data collection. At least its something that can help me stay sane, No?