the farewells start

I've been wanting to write for weeks now but I can't seem to bring myself to articulate the complex and contradictory emotional responses I have toward my imminent departure from the UK. I'm happy I'm at this place in time where I can go back to Cape Town. I've been thinking, almost fantasizing, about going home for so long now. So I expected to be filled with only excitement as my departure date gets closer. But this hasn't been the case. I've been really sad and conflicted, not sure what to make of these opposite emotions. But it's four years of my life I'm saying goodbye to and as the shift from this one, probably defining period, to the yet unknown 'other' stage of my life awaits me, I'm forced to reflect on what has been. I have to accept it as another part of my life's journey no matter how hard I have, at times, wanted to discard this period. So I think it's all those kind of undercurrents bubbling up to the surface that is obviously responsible for my current sense of sadness. Maybe in some future blog post I'll be able to flesh out exactly what I mean - I would like to be able to do that. For now I'm just going through all the farewell events - enjoying the moments shared with friends, colleagues and supervisors, recognising that because the moments are part of the saying goodbye process, they are different and allow a window into something new - a new way of defining, possibly even remembering, these relationships and it does offer the potential for a healthy, maybe even, welcoming alternative memory.