I have lots to say

I've just attended the annual HELTASA conference in Stellenbosch and I have this overwhelming desire to write, write, write about my experience and how it reflects my ongoing thoughts and struggles associated with being a PhD student. I wish I had taken the time to write in reflection on each day I attended the conference. Writing now feels almost contrived - retrospectively censored. Also because I have so much to say I'm going to have to say things over a couple of posts so the distance from the actual event will become more marked. But hey I can only work with what I have.

Day One - Wednesday

I presented my first PhD related work within a formal academic conference environment on Wednesday. As I got closer to the day I become more anxious. My usual anxiety I guess especially since I only started working on the main focus and thrust of the argument little over a week before the conference. So I didn't really have time to consider other ways of thinking about the presentation. As usual I probably spent more than 8 hours working on a 15 minute presentation. I felt anxious that I needed to get the whole thing right. I saw myself as an outsider and in a way I played on this by deciding not to signal my affiliation to my local institution on my presentation slides. Initial I wanted to say something cheeky about my OU affiliation and my South African accent and how this might have puzzled people in the audience hoping to hear a British academic speak. But I abandoned this little comic interlude on the last minute because I thought it would be too cheesy. I decided I would simply present and allow people to draw their own conclusions about who I was and why I was there. In the end I didn't even introduce myself to the audience...talk about performance anxiety. At the back of mind I kept thinking - I have to be good, I can't give people any doubts about the quality of my educational experience in the UK. I'll always stand in judgement somewhat unfairly because I've gone outside the country. I feel like I need to try harder just to get to the level where the other South Africans are.

Generally, except for keynote speaker, most presenters at academic conferences do a sort of 'off the cuff' presentation. I remember a time when I did this too relying mainly on memory joggers - little bullet points to reminder me of what I wanted to say. But since being in the UK I have completely abandoned this approach and now only use a full script. I'm really conscious that by doing this I don't completely 'conform' to the 'perceived' way of doing things at such events. But I've grown confident in an 'I don't care' attitude about this practice I have. Interestingly, talking to colleague who I really respect at a cocktail function later that evening, she commented that she only presents using a full script - she always has and won't do it any other way. I felt a found a little kindred spirit and it was rather reassuring that I'm not on my own. We both felt confident and assured  - because it works for us it had own internal validity - it doesn't need anything else. YAY!

Back to the presentation - well 15 minutes came and went, rather quickly actually. And then NO questions. That awkward silence when the audience stares back at you, some with a glazed over look in their eyes and you wonder 'Why the hell did I put so much effort into this?' Seasoned academics often mention that they are very selective about which conferences they attend, choosing only to go to the conference that best match up with their research interest and where they feel they will get the best response from their engagement. Novice, wann-a-be's like me take what I can get and therefore the response I got can be seen almost as an occupational hazard. The consolation - and yes there was a consolidation - preparing for the presentation has helped me to think more clearly about the main point my analysis was trying to make about the particular case I was talking about. The presentation is definitely the first step I want to take in crafting a paper about this case study analysis. So what I'm taking away from the somewhat deflated experience is that it had less to do with the specific performance and more about the hidden gains derived from the experience - but then I would say that wouldn't I!