I want to go home

Seriously, I want to go home to Cape Town. I've been in the UK too long. My visit has been unproductive. I had one supervision meeting, I pottered around here and there with my thesis but essentially I've done nothing substantial since just before I left Cape Town. I feel deflated and defeated by this stasis. If there is any significance attached to this visit it hasn't struck me yet, except for the large hole in my bank account.


Today I attended my second writing circle session. This has been an interesting experience and even though I didn’t have any specific expectations about the sessions, I have come away 'wanting'. Granted I joined the group after their initial establishment phase and I always knew I it would always be a temporary stay: this might explain my failure to really bond or find a real space for myself in the group. What I have come to realise, is that my status as a fourth year PhD student is reflected in my writing. I see the disciplinary footprint displayed in my writing style. I see how certain characteristic features of my field are clearly engrained in how I write and this further shapes what I like in other people's writing. I'm a bit disappointed that I don't have a more reflective meta-language to describe my writing journey. I feel I talk in broad brush strokes, rather than in specific detail and can't always explain why I like a piece of work or why certain paragraphs in my writing work or don't work. Looking at other students' work, especially those who have just started their PhD's, I can see how they are grappling with their theoretical concepts, their expression, their ideas, their role and position in their own writing and in a somewhat condescending way I say silently to myself 'Oh how I've moved on from that'. I wish we would talk more about what we are trying to do with our writing, what the barriers are, why we think we do the things we do when we structure or organise our writing in particular ways, how we are trying to mimic, ape, replicate the conventions and styles we think have special privileges in our field or in our supervisors academic world view. I think we spend too much time talking about grammatical rules and getting bogged down by where the reference should go and whether or not the reference needs a page number. Necessary issues to confront I guess, but not what I need right now. I'm experiencing first hand the tug of war between a skills and academic literacies model of writing. Maybe I'm experiencing the required compromise, I don't know.

Red wine and chocolate is, however, definitely on the agenda for the weekend.