I happened to be in the old building where I used to work on Friday. I went to get some bulk printing done and ask advice about image files, scans and retaining image quality after transferring the files into Word. I got all the help I needed, but unexpectantly also got access to my old office. The one I was using before I left for the OU in September 2008. I used the office previously when conducting research at the institution in 2011 so it still have a vaguely familiar feel of it. The office will be changing hands soon and everything in it will be 'trashed' (or so I was told) and I was afforded an opportunity to remove whatever I wanted before this 'trashing' happened. So I went in - not sure why, but I went in nonetheless. The place itself had been neglected. I don't think anyone had used the office regularly for more than 2-3 years. Most of what I had left in the cupboards, desk and draws were exactly where I had left them except now they were covered in years of dust. My filing cabinet probably never opened, but filled with my orderly and neatly arranged teaching resources, class notes and handouts, interesting articles and readings - all in the same place I had left them, like some ode to me and my life as a teacher - the dust and stuffiness giving it some sense of authenticity and credibility. I had forgotten that part of me, but immediately on seeing a particular hand out or note could remember when I used it, why I used it and even how I had compiled the resource. I also found all my Academic Staff Development resources. This had been my life.
I decided to clear out some of the files and rescue the books still in the cupboard from an uncertain future, probably the rubbish dump. I returned the keys to an old colleague who went on to wax lyrically about my contribution to the programme I had worked on and how my approach to my work was impeccable and how they had never really been able to find a suitable replacement. First time I really got this affirmation and recognition. I had always seen myself as a thorn in their sides (and I probably was at the time - distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that...) pushing for new ways to do things, pushing my students, being so overtly different from my colleagues in my philosophy and methods. Finally some recognition when it was obviously too late.
Looking forward...indeed but at this point I don't see too much. All I see is the finishing line of the PhD. Career-wise I don't really know. On Friday I got a glimpse of what I was, a reflection of someone who +-80% of the time knew what she was doing and where she wanted to go. Now I'm a shadow of that person.
Today a colleague of mine in another faculty informed me that her application for get full-time leave to finish her PhD was turned down. I'm lucky , with all my complaining I at least have the support of my immediate line manager and faculty management. I am lucky.
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