constructing narratives

I'm thinking about the stories I've been telling about my PhD experience. I'm wondering how these stories came to be constructed in the way that they are and wherein lies the truth - is there a truth? When confronted by these kinds of questions I see my academic 'breeding' (for want of a better word) come through as I want to answer these questions by drawing on a theoretical framework to help me explain or answer the question.

But theoretical frameworks aside this particular puzzle has been at the heart of my reflections the past couple of days. I'm not dealing very well with the experience at the moment and I'm searching for a reason. I'm hoping a better, more 'rational' dissection of the concern will lead me to a 'solution', a way to ease my mind. Because I believe the pathway to the resolution of most (many) of our personal problems, concerns and dilemmas starts with the recognition that we can only control our view and perception of the situation. Even if the choice about how that view and perception is formulated is constrained by what is commonly thought of as 'our baggage'. I bring my baggage to any situation I have to encounter in the world and that shapes how I see it and how I choose to and am able to respond to it (I suspect LR would be example this more eloquently using Bourdieu). Be this as it may - the stories I have been telling about my experience provides a window into my view of the experience and, probably, I guess might also provide a window into how I could reconstruct my experience differently. Constructing a different story has its own possibilities and potentials especially when, as I'm starting to feel, my current narratives appear to be cloaking everything in negativity.  I don't have any answers I'm just trying to think differently...


My story I think is filled with some of the following
- bewilderment
- dislocation from the familiar
- a strong, almost stubborn resolution to hold onto my past as a representation of the good, positive that I was - so always comparing the past with present practices
- seeing myself as a 'fish out of water'
- seeing myself as not having a voice - sometimes, only sometimes I recognise that I do have a voice I just don't have one in this context
- fighting to retain my self-belief, yet being filled with self-doubt
- blaming, looking for someone, something to blame as a way of understanding, explaining
- wanting to see the silver lining in the dark cloud
- desperate to have a 'learning' experience, a positive learning experience and not wanting to give up on that possibility, ideal
- trying to accept the constraints and limitations of the situation, but failing miserably anyway
- constructing binaries, dichotomies as a defence mechanism


Stories aren't always true, they don't always reflect reality - although I'm not going to say that there are multiple realities - I don't quite believe that - reality isn't only what we see it to be, there are parts of our reality that are completely outside our control. The part of the reality that is free of these stories, that seem to have defined my experience for such a long time, is my inherent belief that I can do this thing - intellectually I can do this thing - and this is more than a self-belief  - it's a fact validated by the intellectual community that I am apart of. Unfortunately this 'fact' is blurred, fudged, distorted, twisted so that it becomes a reality that is so easy to accept and you never see it for what it is...fallacious.


I've had a rough couple of days...this is the only story I can tell about it.