I had a dream this morning that I was going back to South Africa and this made me sad. My mind has been preoccupied with this thought since I woke up. Why is it that I can only be sad about going back to SA in my dreams? In my conscious self going back to SA doesn't make me feel sad - in fact all I keep saying to everyone around me is how I can't wait to go back. But as with most things in life - this isn't simply a polarised argument of SA: good - England: Bad. I do want to go back to SA for many, many personal and emotionally laden reasons but that doesn't mean that I won't be sad about saying goodbye to this part of my life journey. Whenever something stops or comes to an end - whether one feels good or bad with the closure - it also represents a moment, maybe a very brief moment, of mourning because one has come to the end. And I'm coming to the end of a particular part of my journey. I think to not feel some sadness about it would be to deny the friendships that I've developed, the comradery I've shared, the experiences (again good and bad) that I've had, the lessons learnt...and the TV watched (I'll definitely miss my BBC iplayer).
So taking a moment to recognise this sadness, not just in my subconscious mind, is healthy. I still want to go Home but I know going home will also unavoidably mean being sad because being here will have to come to an end. I won't be able to visit my friend Anthony in Brighton and walk on the pebbly beach for a long, long time.
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| Brighton beach - yesterday afternoon |
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