a week of change and a big decision

Since I've been writing this blog I've been cynical bordering on pessimistic about the PhD road I've been travelling. I've found the process boring, tedious, uninspiring, difficult, devoid of real learning opportunities, depressing, demotivating, bad for my mental health to name but a few ways in which I've captured my experiences. However, since I've come back to Cape Town I've noticed a subtle shift that became more pronounced last week. Suddenly I found I was filled with this sense of determination to crack this nut. I actually felt I could get on top of it and actually do it. I dare not say enthusiastic, because that would be like a bit of a show-off. I've feel like I want to embrace this thing and do the best job I can. I suspect a lot of this new found vigour has to do with feeling really supported - emotionally and academically - I feel like I'm being held up and protected.
Then this week I had to go back to work - I started to be included in the normal academic activities and my future was being planned and plotted. The cold, hard reality of not having finished the PhD in the UK hit me right between the eyes. I realised for the first time, probably since I started my studies in the UK, the enormity of trying to finish a PhD (especially the last 6-9 months) while juggling a demanding, time and energy sapping job. I also know that I haven't always enjoyed the full-time PhD experience and have said in the past that I might have done better with having bit of it part-time and full-time. I still think that kind of model has its benefits. However, as I'm moving into the zone, where things are starting to coalesce,  the need to fill my brain space with only PhD feels absolutely critical. So I've made a decision - I'm going to ask for more time off - another six months - from January to June, to finish my thesis. This is a big decision because I may have to do this on unpaid leave and even if I don't have to do it on unpaid leave I won't be earning a full salary and will still be left with particular obligations to my current institution. But I'm so close to the end now and it just feels like this is the right thing to do - for me. Maybe I can still find some enjoyment out of the process - maybe this is where the enjoyment will come, through the sacrifice - I don't know. I've made the decision but as yet I'm not sure how it will be received.

I spoke to a colleague yesterday, she has been doing her PhD here in Cape Town while holding down a full-time job (like most people I know in South Africa who have done a PhD) and just recently took off some time from work to devoted to her PhD. We were having a little gripe session, comparing our experiences and we both came to the same conclusion, that at the heart of the PhD experience is a personal desire, need and determination to finish the project. It has less to do with your intellectual ability (or proving your intellectual ability) and more about a test of your levels of self-confidence, tenacity, self-esteem, self-awareness and self-worth. You have to take the knocks and the blows and get up and dust yourself off and stand ready for the next 'fight'. So onwards I go - more determined than ever - knowing that it just has to come together in this new time frame.