Taking advice

When I asked a colleague of mine, today, if she was nervous about the mini-viva, she answered without batting an eyelid "Irrespective what I say or do, they cant fail me, so why should I be nervous". My colleague was referring partly to the bureaucracy involved in the assessment process associated with probation and also that she meets all the criteria - I have no doubt this also applies to me, with my supervisors having told me this in no uncertain terms before; so why then am I so anxious about the whole process? 

My typical response was...but aren't you blah, blah, blah? 

The missing bits to my response I guess are; aren't you nervous or worried

- that you will come across like an idiot?

- that they will recognise that you don't know what you are talking about?

- that you didn't really do enough work?

- that you wont sound intelligent?

Reflecting on this conversation today I have to question why I don't trust myself or feel confident in my work, intelligence and right to be here doing this freaking PhD? Its something my supervisors picked up in my writing too - how I shy away from taking the centre stage and making MY claims MY OWN! Making a claim implies belief and confidence in that claim...no?

 My housemate also made a comment today about how she was 'making a significant contribution to the knowledge' and in my somewhat cynical voice - I said "Oh I don't have such lofty ideals for my work".  But I've been here before though, I know how hard it is for research to really impact and change your practice and how hard it is to get your research, even if it does matter, published to a larger audience. How many PhD's get published???? But that is another issue and it distracts from point I was trying to make above.

Its not the first time I've discussed and rationalised the Probationary Review evaluation policy and the OU bureaucracy as a strategy for dealing with this assessment - I've had long conversations about this before with SP and it didn't help to stem my anxiety. BUT is that the point really, to simply use the probation as a evaluation check list,doing the bare minimum to get you through? Maybe its a strategic approach, but not one I want to take - I want to use this process to get some insightful feedback about the direction my research is taking, and as a stepping stone to the next set of activities I need to engage with - and of course its about my ego too. I don't want to come across as if I'm an idiot, that hasn't done enough work, someone who doesn't understand her research topic or the research process. I guess I want to learn something, show that I am learning something and if possible not get my ego bruised too much in the process. 

Although there is something to be said about the bit of advice I was given today - its about being confident and knowing that I can't fail because I do have what it takes to be here and be successful!