I think today pretty much epitomises the type of week I’ve
had. It started off well, fell sharply in the middle and then continued its
downward spiral. But let’s focus on the day and see if I manage to draw
parallels with the week.
I got up really early this morning and by 8am I was walking
along the False Bay coast from Muizenberg to St James. It was overcast for much
of the time that I was walking alongside the ocean and the sea looked all grey,
dirty but calm. I just loved the smell of the ocean, and listening to the
crashing of the waves while being able to marvel at the crevasses and textures
of the mountains literally on the other side of the road. Cape Town – the wonder
and diversity of this city just astounds me each time I stop to take in its
natural beauty.
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| On the way to St James along the road |
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| At St James beach heading back to Muizenberg along the coastal walk-way |
By 9:10am I was back at my make-shift desk working on a
presentation I was scheduled to make at 2:30pm. I was pretty distracted
yesterday, so today I was determined to focus, focus, focus and not concede to
the endless urges to click on links that would take me away from my work. I planned
to do some participant validation activities in my research sites while in Cape
Town and today I had my first such event. In retrospect I’m starting
understanding that the first time you present any of your work, invariably is
an unsettling experience. You don’t quite feel comfortable with the
interpretations you’re making or the argument you’re constructing or how you’re
sequencing and structuring the logic of the points your want to make. Add this
to a mixture of participants who are exhausted by the heat and a sauna-like
venue to present in, and the outcome is probably self-explanatory. I was
literally drenched in my t-shirt while trying to present a calm and
professional demeanour as I painfully moved through the 30 slides. One of the
first lessons I learnt as a teacher and facilitator was to pay attention to my
students and participants, sensing if things weren’t going well for them and
then to respond in a flexible and adaptive manner. Well I could see things weren’t
going well, but felt duty bound to present my complete analysis i.e. all 30
slides, and didn’t feel comfortable skipping bits here and there. So the only
flexibility I was able to suggest came right at the end of the presentation when
I suggested we arrange another meeting to talk through their impressions and
where I could get some clarity on some questions I had. It was just such a
disappointing turn of events – of course no one was to blame; I just wish
somehow it could have turned out better. I guess I expected more, I wanted more
to come from the engagement, I want some vindication, some affirmation to
balance out the experience I had last week. I just wanted something better,
positive, light – a sign that all of this makes sense, that it’s going
somewhere, somewhere good...Maybe this sign is still in the making, under
construction and I have to be patient.
Tomorrow I start re-working the analysis piece I submitted
to my supervisors for comment almost three weeks ago. I’ve asked them to stop
reading and expect to produce a new and improved version by Friday. I’ve also
decided to leave the safety of my make-shift desk and venture out to a public
platform to work. Since I’ve arrived in Cape Town I’ve been working in solitary
confinement at my various make-shift desks. Tomorrow I’m going to break this
pattern in the hope that it opens up the opportunity to see things differently,
that my work, my insights are somehow rejuvenated. I need a fresh look at
things, I need an injection of new energy to drive me forward...lets open this
offers me exactly what I need.
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