a bit tender

I'm back at my desk at the OU, almost back in the 'swing' of things, but still a bit tender about leaving the comfort, security and support of Cape Town and all it offers. Unfortunately that is just the reality - Cape Town represents all of those things for me and when I leave, it takes me a while to adjust and get used to my new environment. I'm glad to be back in the UK though, it is my home even if it's only home with a small 'h'. But I have my own space here - my work space and my home space - they too are stable and secure in their own little ways and when I come to Cape Town (or go to Sweden) I have forego those comforts too and make the necessary adjustments.

Beautiful tulips from my landlady
awaiting me on Monday night

I've given myself until tomorrow, Friday, to adjust to being back. To stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it within the boundaries and parameters of this context no matter how painful or uncomfortable it might be. I've been forced to stare some hard cold truths in the face this week - not really conducive when you are feeling as tender as I am - but as is often the case with 'cold truths' they don't wait until you are all comfortable and secure to unleash their message on you. Well at least I was open to seeing them - I can at least give myself credit for that.








So the cold truths are...
- this PhD experience has not met my expectations for a range of reasons and on a number of levels (all probably well documented in this blog)
- I can't make the experience fit my expectations - I think I've tried but it's not working and the more energy I put into making it fit the more frustrated (and at times depressed) I get
- I somehow need to balance these competing forces - my expectations with the reality of the experience and keeping a positive outlook on the whole thing can only help

Spring is coming say the snowdrops
 I encountered on my way to work
this morning.

 I've previously mentioned that doing a PhD is all about tenacity - being able to stick with your project until the end irrespective of the depressing and disappointing lows and the few and far between positive, affirming and acknowleding highs. But I think another personality traits seems to be equally important - confidence - being 300% confident in yourself, your ability, your tenacity, your story and the need to tell it. Someone said to me that I need to toughen up, and I guess they are right in a way. Take it on the cheek and move on. Just freaking move on.
So it's not what I wanted it to be, not by a freaking long shot, but this is probably as good as it is going to get, so I need to just accept this fact and just relax into it. But I'm conscious that I need to build my confidence and through that toughen my skin - after all I'm a African! I have the resilence of ancestors running in my blood, ancestors who survived the onslaught of countless colonisers, pilliages and thieves yet retained, for the most part, their dignity, respect, self-assurance, confidence and will to survive, asserting their self-determination to be treated as equals and confident of their rightful place in the world.