reflecting on August

In addition to 'doing' the PhD - that is the daily 'working-on' my research project and, for the past 10-11 months, trying to articulate it through the construction of a thesis, I also spend a lot of time 'reflecting' on the process - how I do what I do and how all this doing is affecting me at a personal and professional level. In many ways the genesis behind the creation of this blog. The blog attempts to give some voice to the process aspects of my PhD and my reflections of that process.

By all accounts the pass week has been positive - I'm able to demonstrate and my progress in relation to an increased word on my literature review and the number of readings I was able to get through. But paying attention to how I got to this point - being able to say that I've made some progress - I realised that I probably spend about 60% of any given day in some kind of self-motivation activity. Willing myself to work, to get out of bed, to sit at my desk, or organise my papers, to remain working, to not think about other things, to concentrate on the reading I'm doing or the writing I'm attempting, to tell myself that I can do 'this thing' (write the sentence, the paragraph, the whole thesis), that all I need do everyday is make some progress. 40% of my working time is probably spent engaged with the intellectual activity associated with my research and thesis. I've been wondering what it would be like if I could devote a full 80-100% of my mental energy just on my intellectual project. Maybe that's not realistic I suspect most people do some psychological work on themselves everyday. But for me at this moment, and I suspect it's been like this for a good while now, my PhD is been largely about psychology - convincing myself to stay on the path, especially when I encounter the bumps and rough patches.

Also this week it finally dawned on me that I haven't really accepted where I am in relation to my progress. Sure I have 'millions' of draft workplans to show and most people now know, because I've told them, that my expected submission date will be May 2013. But this week I realised that I haven't truly accepted this state of affairs - I'm still deeply disappointed, sad and angry with myself that I won't be completing my PhD within the stipulated and official time frame. It doesn't matter that very few of my peers will actually meet this deadline and that on overage most PhD students (certainly at the OU) irrespective of their discipline need anything from a 3-9 extra months to reach submission date. Internally, I haven't actually accepted my own fate and this makes me very cross with myself almost all the time - no wonder I need to spend 60% of my energy making myself feel better. Accepting where I'm at in relation to my proposed completion date is, I believe, a crucial step in gaining back my mental well being and being able to see the process through a positive lens.

So as the next week approaches I move forward trying to meet the next deadline as best as I can. In the words of  Disney and Pixar's Dory (from Finding Nemo) I've gotta 'just keep swimming'.