new ways of writing

I wish I could write down all my thoughts (well all the important ones) about this PhD when it's foremost in my mind. This past week I've been thinking a lot about the way in which my approach to writing has changed. I remember my part-time study days...very carefully working out the structure of an argument and then within a short period (usually over a weekend) I would furiously write up whole chapters or substantial parts thereof. I would of course be thinking about the argument I wanted to make while I was busy 'working' during the week before 'writing it up'. So the argument would coalesce over this period. Usually I would write the piece in one block period or session using notes I had constructed during a reading phase and sticking very closely to the argument structure I would have constructed and outlined. While I did edit what I wrote, the editing was minimal especially in that initial act of getting my argument down on paper.

When I think about how I write now - the first characteristic of my writing is that it is more protracted, fluid, almost unstructured, and consist of many writing sessions. The act of writing happens over many days, I consult my hand written notes, structure and then re-structure my argument usually in the form of a mind map or rough overview. But the structure is never a concrete 'thing' rather it is reformed and reshaped over many iterations as the writing progresses. There aren't any clear stages to the process any more. The degree of editing has increased tenfold and the role of editing in my writing has become crucial. Editing is almost as fundamental as that first act of writing - it plays a totally different role now. Maybe this is the crux of the many problems I have with writing these days - i.e. how I want to produce the 'perfect' piece in the first version which suggests to me anyway, that I'm still clinging onto the role I assigned to editing in my 'previous' academic writing life. When I first started to write like this it freaked me out completely and in many ways it still does. It's very unsettling and I look back nostalgically to those glory days when writing was a exhilaration activity and gave me and my arguments a voice. But try as I might I cant seem to rekindle this past way of writing and I'm stuck, uncomfortably in this new way of writing.

So why the change?

I think studying full time is one reason. Writing is what I have to do on an almost daily basis so I can spend more time on it. Also because I have to conserve my energy to write every day it is harder to concentrate for longer periods when I do sit down to write. The changing role of editing in my writing I would ascribe to the changing perception of what counts as a 'draft'. In the old days my 'polished piece' would probably be my contemporary 'draft' - so my practice of writing has had to adjust and change to meet these new expectations (dare I say standards?) - which have also resulted in the added anxieties that have come to be associated with writing. I can't discount the fact that currently I am writing in an abstracted vacuum - my arguments and theorisations are devoid of practical implication, they aren't ignited by something that happened in the classroom, or something a colleague said, or a serious discussion about whatever issue I'm thinking about with a mentor or friend. Everything has to come from inside my head - well of course it always came from that 'place', but it's just different. Then of course I'm now living in the age of distractions with the internet only a click away - this creates a rather fragmented context within which to negotiate the structure needed to write. The reasons are complex and multifaceted and I don't think there is a ideal answer to the question - why the change?. For now all I can do is to make these new practices work for me as best I can.