PhD in Cape Town

I've been in Cape Town for a week and finally I'm starting to carve out a 'study routine' for myself. I go and sit in the UCT library (my entrance to this prized resource has been achieved by dubious means - my access card has expired, but the security personnel don't really know this, so I sign in and no one is the wiser!) filled by mostly undergraduate students who are scanning their 'thick' course readers littered with brightly coloured highlighter reflected lines indicating salient points they hope they will remember in the upcoming test. The best thing of course is sitting on Jammie Steps - I reminisce about my own undergraduate years where I lived on those steps that wore down the backsides of my jeans due to the rough and textured edges of the steps. I'm feeling rather jaded and cynical about life and my studies - the PhD is so over rated. I'm suppose to be intelligent - darn only intelligent people get to explore theoretically complex ideas via a PhD - really? Then why do I feel so stupid and unintelligent most of the time? I imagine being that undergrad sitting on those steps about 20 years ago - I would have marvelled at anyone doing a masters, let alone a PhD and describe them as sophisticated, intelligent and definitely superior to me. Now that I'm in that position as a PhD student - I cant help thinking that I would prefer to be that lowly undergrad who had all the enthusiasm, interest and will power to change the world, the 20 year old who really believed that the education I was gaining would actually help me change the world and the lives of people in my community.

Now I am the critical, theoretical researcher far removed from the practical implementation realities of the classroom. But the PhD is like a necessary evil - I know I have to do it, I know it will give me the theoretical tools, insights and the political status to effect positive change. But I miss that bright eyed, optimistic, enthusiastic undergraduate filled with hope and determination to make a change to her society and country. Maybe if I sit long enough on those steps all those positive and starry eyed ideals will somehow filter into my being again...