The PhD condition

I had my second supervision session yesterday and unfortunately due to various 'things' I'm only sitting down now to write my reflections on that meeting. As a result, so much of what I was feeling, rather acutely, yesterday has eased away and been tempered by the passing of time (that sounds rather melodramatic). But after yesterday's meeting I had two distinct realisation and their associated feelings, that seems to me, to define this idea of 'the PhD condition' – having 'problems' with the supervision experience, and/or (because often these two go together, although not always at the same time) feeling like you are the most stupid person on the face of the earth. Based on the MAGNATUDE of this statement, maybe it was better that I waited a day to write down my reflections J
These two issues go hand in hand, are interrelated, are interrelational – darn whichever way you want to define it – you can't talk about the one without the other. I'm grappling with Basil Bernstein – so as per my agreement with my supervisors I write up a 2000 word piece explaining my understanding of his work, focusing specifically on the pedagogic device. I even spend 2 hours trying to graphically illustrate this theory (included to add entertainment value and as evidence that I'm not talking crap). As agreed I send my piece to my supervisors ready for Monday morning. I get to the supervision meeting; unfortunately they either haven't finished reading it or haven't read it at all. So we don't talk about the pedagogic device, but I get asked analytical questions about why I want to use the work, how will the work add value to my research, why has he used the terminology he has – and I start reeling. Hell I don't know? I spend the rest of the hour repeating what I don't know or don't understand and expressing how hard it's been for me to process the elements of his theory. Seemingly excuse after excuse! Stating how I'm still grappling at the descriptive level so can't answer their questions. Nothing wrong with these questions, they're good, critical, challenging – but I'm not ready for the challenge, I don't expect this challenge at this time, not yet anyway.
And here in lies the second issue – feeling like a total twit! I've spent almost a month reading the man's work and come out of my meeting feeling like I have nothing to show for it. Arrggghhhh!!!! The PhD condition – conflicts around expectations about the role of the supervisor and feeling as if you are so so stupid. It's the nature of the game, the condition. These issues 'aint gonna go away' best for me to manage them. Or as a colleague of mine jokingly reflected "You have to manipulate your supervisors, not only manage them".


So two things to be done; first of course is to better manage the relationship with my supervisors. Maybe it's something 1^st year PhD students need to learn, because the 'manage-the-supervisor' advice I've received has always been from 2^nd and 3^rd year students. Also one has to be assertive and most importantly know what it is that you want from the interaction. I think it's almost an expectation here in the UK, that as a PhD student you know what you want. ALMOST always you will be told – "Well it's your PhD, you have to do what you want" when asking for advice about direction, pace, relevance…you name it. "No!, No I say" just freaking tell me what you think – right or wrong, yes or no!!!! Can't it be that simple? Of course I hear myself-as-teacher, saying these very words to my students and probably frustrating the hell out of them at the same time. My sins are catching up with me, no doubt.
Second, I need to manage the self-doubt that doing a PhD inherently produces. Common sense suggests that because you are doing a PhD, you must be super confident about your ability and intelligence, after all 'stupid' people don't get to do PhD's? The paradox of being a PhD student is that your intellect, conceptualisations, ideas are constantly being challenged – you're constantly asked to think about something you might know very well in a new and novel way. NOTHING gets taken at face value. And most importantly – you don't freaking have all the answers. In fact you have very little answers. But knowing all of this doesn't make it easier when confronted with the harshness of this cold reality. I will have to manage the internal paradoxes that flood my brain and emotions. I guess that's why some PhD students appear to come across so self-assured and cocky – to overcompensate for the moments when they too feel like idiots.


I've requested some additional feedback from my supervisors relating to my understanding of Bernstein – darn I didn't do that graphic for nothing. I know I'm not 'stupid' I just need a more suitable platform when I can demonstrate what I know, on my terms. I like the blurring of the boundaries between manage and manipulate. One also needs perspective – its early days yet…this kind of thing is going to happen again and again, I can't control every single aspect of the PhD. Talking about perspective, it was better that I waited a day to write this.