time to step back

Initially, when I first knew there would be a three week 'break' between the submission of my full draft and  feedback from my supervisors I was a bit frustrated. Three weeks of free time or rather three weeks of wasted time, I thought. But as I approach the final days of this three week period my views have shifted. I'm realising the value and opportunity this free period has provided, especially for two particular aspects relating to the thesis itself and the PhD process.

Firstly, stepping back has given me perspective on the arguments and claims made in the thesis and how I've expressed it. Reading over some of the key chapters in my thesis over these past three weeks I am starting to see where I could have taken the argument and possibly why I didn't. Of course I also see the gaps, I'm always seeing the gaps. I can also see the value of expressing the claims and arguments in a sharper more coherent fashion. I've been tweaking my prose here and there, but this has in some cases resulted in additional words which my thesis can't accommodate at the moment. A really significant realisation I've made is that how the arguments are expressed in the thesis is contextually-tied to the thesis itself. As I've tried to 'take out' these arguments for use elsewhere, like for the SRHE conference in December, I can see how they need different kinds of 'mediation'. Here the value, significance and importance of presenting one's work to the field and audiences outside the field have struck me. Especially when taking my work outside my field I feel I needed to develop a more robust articulation of my core arguments. But for me this is really valuable in helping to reclaim the practical value of the thesis. It's a way of bringing the four years of intellectual work down to earth.

Secondly, because of this 'time away' from the thesis and the intensity of the PhD process itself, I'm starting to see the PhD process differently, especially the PhD relationships. I think this can only be because of the distance that has been created and maybe, on a minor note, a reflection on the stage I'm at in the process itself. Towards the end you see things very differently to the views you had as you were setting out or when you were smack-bang in the middle of it all. For me, in order to engage in any critical reflection of the process, the people, the relationships, I need some dislocation from the immediacy of the experience - which this three weeks provided. I've been given the permission to see my own experience differently and I think I have gained insights into the actions and behaviours of the 'others' in this very personal and in many ways intellectually intimate relationship. I haven't forgotten those dark days and the conflict and confusion I felt, but now I can step outside of those experiences to try to understand them differently. Understand the people involved in those experiences differently. People always talk about how the PhD changes you forever, and I think before I decided to embark on the process I was most worried about the nature of the changes that would affect me. I see now how much I've changed (maybe I'll have to devote another blog post to reflecting on these changes) in ways I could never have predicted.

Now, I wait for the feedback and wonder where it will take me. So yeah, as obvious as it sounds, this time next week will be a very different time and place. In this moment I am happy to just take on that realisation, its the best I can do?