Avoidance

I'm in a state of deep avoidance. I won't touch my literature review - I won't go near it because I fear I can't fix it, sort it out in the way that it needs to be sorted out. So I've been avoiding it, skirting around its edges and now I'm running out of time. I'm getting my knickers in a knot over things, issues not even raised by my last supervision feedback. Dealt with, with a rational mind it would probably take less than a day to deal with. I submit my first full draft at the end of the week. Technically I'm meant to submit it on Friday - cause it's the end of the month. But practically, nobody will even glance an eye at it over the weekend - so I have until Sunday evening to upload it. I'm rushing towards this deadline, like the tortoise, in that fabled race. Yes, I'll get there but in my own time. If only I believed that - deep down I wish I was the hare, racing ahead with determination and drive.

And then to crown it all, I've had a crappy week - filled with emotional, practical and physical troubles. I was down with a cold on Thursday and Friday (but of course doing a PhD means you can't take off because of a pissy, little cold). Now my dodgy wrist is definitely dodgy again. I thought I sorted it out three weeks ago, but the injury has come back with a vengeance. I'm forced to wear the wrist-brace again which just slows me down - but if I take it off, I'm back to square one - where I am at the moment. And of course I'm not sleeping either. And winter has arrived in Cape Town - my fingers are cold as I type these words. Just what you need when you are trying to face-down your 'literacy practice' fear.

But onward I go. Of course I'll submit, of course it will be okay. I fantasize about how good my PhD might have been if I was close to the place I am now, last year. I like having the time to mull over things. To allow life to happen and to be able to deal with life, separately from the PhD. I'm going to try my luck in the place of calm for the rest of the day and maybe the evening too. Break the hold this 'avoidance thing' has over me.