the freedom to write

I had a rough week last week. Early Saturday afternoon probably worn down by fatigue of the emotional kind I found myself leaving work and I opting for a long break instead. My plan was not to do any work on Sunday, so I was a bit pissed off with myself that I didn't have the energy to put in sufficient hours on Saturday to make taking a break on Sunday feasible. But I was tired - so I took an afternoon nap, my guiltiest pleasure. But of course this merely lead to the all too familiar guilt-induced self loathing cycle of horrible thoughts. It goes something like this - I think that I can never work enough so whatever I do, irrespective how many hours I spend doing whatever - I always feel some degree of guilt that I could have worked harder or for longer. I hate that I don't have enough free time and that I can never 'give-up' my work and just relax. However, when I do relax, I feel guilty that I'm not working or when I am relaxing I'm constantly thinking about the work I could have been doing. I'm in perpetual purgatory.

Sunday - I had an arrangement to see an old house mate and accompany her to the local gym for a swim. I guess she was just what I needed. In a calm manner, after listening to all my troubles with writing, with guilt, with being in perpetual purgatory...she said 'you have to give yourself the freedom to write irresponsibly'. She also told me not to constantly focus on the August deadline and all the things I need to do. Worrying about the huge mountain I still need will probably make me more unproductive than productive. If I'm making progress not matter how small it might seem - I need to focus on the PROGRESS not on the 'small'.  She just encouraged me to work as much as I could each day and take time off - to let go of the guilt and the burden. But most important for me was her advice about the value of giving myself permission to write irresponsibly - saying whatever I wanted and how I wanted before writing in the manner demanded by my supervisors and the academy. In many ways writing has become an issue for me because I'm not allowing myself this fundamental part of the process. Fix it up later, one draft will never be enough, just get those initial ideas out there! Liberate, own it, be free. She's right of course - she is so right in many ways. I've decided to join the gym, to go swimming, to do zumba and yoga classes to sit in the steam room and bring some clarity to my mind in the process. To really give myself permission, the freedom to write - irresponsibly first, academically second. My sister said to me yesterday 'alles sal reg kom' and I actually believed her. It will come together eventually.