now you feel it, now you don't

It's amazing how quickly you readjust to 'normal' after being away from it for a while. It's like muscle memory or ingrained mental maps that allow you to go into almost automatic mode. Not thinking, not feeling. I've come to realise, this year, that any break from my normal work does wonders for my soul. But I'm just as susceptible to ingrained mental maps/muscle memory/intuitive responses irrespective of the positives associated with these breaks. So it's taken me almost a week to prioritise my writing. The plan is that it will stay my priority until the end of the academic year in early December.

Yesterday I stumbled back into the writing and was left feeling immensely frustrated and irritated at myself. It felt like I could not put two sentences together, let alone articulate my view on deficit discourse. After an hour or so of, what felt like, hammering my head against the wall I put the writing aside, deciding to come back to it later in the day and then to jot down in bullet point the salient points I wanted to make. Returning to my notes and bullet list today, it all came together. A totally different experience. Ok so I can write a few paragraphs about what deficit discourses are and how they manifest in the South African context. Not too bad actually. And so I move onto the next section...

thinking retreat in Uppsala

I've been in Sweden for just under a week. My visit was meant, amongst other things, to serve as a little writing retreat. I was hoping to refine the article I'm working on after getting some feedback on it last week. But things haven't really worked out as I hoped. I haven't done much writing. The process has been slow and I've been distracted with completing unrelated administrative 'stuff' linked to my day-job. But I have done a lot of thinking. I've had the time to mull over my ideas, do some supplemental reading, question the logic of my arguments. Think about how to say things differently. So I guess all is not lost. Oh, and I've made good progress in getting through series 1 & 2 of OITNB. 

wasted

Its getting close to that time of the year when things start to slow down - students are finishing off their final lectures and the department shifts into final exam mode. The final push to mark and submit marks and then, the academics in my department relax and wait for the year to pass. For me, this period is increasingly representing a time when I write in the open. When no one is watching me. When no one in very interested in doing anything much and I sneak-in my writing. Make it mainstream, instead of that thing I try to do on a Thursday away from the office or on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons. But, unsettlingly, in plotting forward towards this period, I've had to take stock of the past year. It's depressing as I feel I've done so little intellectually engaging work. I have so little to show for the year past. My first post-PhD year. On my desk sits some of the books I bought over the past 10 or so months. Many haven't been touched, thumbed through. Some I've only managed to read a few pages, maybe a chapter. Reading is meant to be the lifeblood of what I do as an academic, what defines me, what I actually enjoy. And yet I feel as if I haven't even succeeded at it. It's easier to justify not having any writing outcomes, but no reading? Well that's another matter.

lots to say, not so much energy to say it

I haven't blogged in a while. I have lots to say, something practically everyday, but little energy to say it. In the mornings I rehearse what I want to say, write about, imagining that when I get home that evening I will sit quietly and write down these thoughts, ideas, reflections. But always by 9pm I'm spent. My brain can't function and all the wonderful, insightful thoughts floating around with such clarity in the morning have disappeared. I imagine making time during my working day - carving out a little reflective space - but, certainly over the last two weeks, my days have been consumed by rushing around trying to complete various administrative and organisational tasks. But I also attended a very interesting conference last week which really provoked some compelling and challenging questions about the types of conferences I go to, the egocentric nature of academia (and its personalities) and what value I gain from going to these events. Nevermind, maybe it will come back to me. I'll reclaim a Saturday morning at my happy place or a Sunday afternoon at my special cafe and capture those thought-provoking, insightful observations and perceptions worth sharing.